The sisters I were supposed to have….

You know those hurts in your life that cling onto you? Those thorns in your flesh that will NOT let you go, no matter how hard you want to rid yourself of them. The thorns that you thought you had dealt with, but come back to bite you again, and again, and again.

Today I struggle with one of those thorns. The thorn of longing.

A year ago we ended the process of adopting two girls, a process that had gone on for three years. The case was closed because they had been placed with a Russian family. It didn’t matter that we had submitted thousands of documents, spent thousands of dollars, traveled once to Russia, and had met the girls here in America for 4 days. It didn’t matter that we didn’t get to say goodbye. It didn’t matter that we didn’t get to tell them how hard we tried, and that we didn’t give up on them. WE didn’t matter.

So what, you say. What’s the problem? Yeah, exactly. No one can really understand the emotions revolving around this. A year later, and with two other blessings home with me I find myself still battling with it. Yes, I love the sisters I have so much. I can’t imagine life without them. I’m crazy about them, but, there’s still a part of my heart that will never be the same because of my two other beauties. My little sisters who never made it home.

Last night I could not sleep. It was around 1:00 when I finally nodded off. I dreamed. I dreamed I was holding pne of my little sisters who never came home in my arms. We were going home to America. She drew my family a book. It said “I’m so glad my parents came for me. I love my family.” I held her, and we hugged, and that’s all I remember. The thing is I don’t remember my parents even being there. It was just me, and my little sis, and it was only one of them. Why? I do not know.

When I woke up, it took me awhile to realize what I had dreamed, and when I did, it broke me. I was angry. I was sad. I was upset. We never came for her. We couldn’t. It was impossible, the agency told us. A closed case. I have not seen, or heard my little sisters’s voices for three years. I never will again.

When I woke, I was filled with this incredible longing to just hold my little sisters, those who never came home to me. It is a longing that can never be filled. It’s basically as if they died, but I get to live with the fact that I don’t know who they are being raised by, I don’t know where they are, I don’t know if they are safe, I don’t know their favorite color anymore, or be the one they call “big sister.”

Their faces and voices are like broken records in my head. The memories flood me every moment. I physically wince, because it hurts so much.

I’m jealous. I’m jealous of the family who became their foster parents. I’m jealous of the memories that I have to hold, and not get to ever re-live again. I am so grateful for what I have, but I am so broken over what could, and should have been, and longing to hold them one more time, and tell them that I love them.

You never get over something like this, NEVER.

I KNOW God has a purpose in this.

I KNOW my little sisters are where they are supposed to be.

I KNOW God has placed them on my heart for a reason.

I KNOW God know’s best.

I know a lot of things, but it still stings.

I will ALWAYS carry them in my heart, the sisters that were supposed to be.

Every once and awhile it’s nice to be random…

I ask a lot of questions. I have a lot of questions that I don’t ask. I question anything, and everything. Why? How? When? Where? What? Who?-These questions are a part of my normal vocabulary. Perhaps this is why Todd Agnew’s new CD called out to me from the shelves of Family Christian Bookstore while I was trying to find something to buy with my Gift card. His shirt on the CD cover is white, and he has written different questions in black marker. Questions range from “Am I lovable?” to “What is beauty” to “What if Jesus meant everything He said?”

I’ve always been taught that we should accept the will of God, no matter what happens, that we should not question Him because His plans are high above ours, which I agree with….but in the same line, by asking my questions, my faith has been strengthened. I desided to make a list of some questions that I had about the Bible, Jesus, Religion, Faith, Life-whatever, I was surprised at how many I came up with in a limited amount of time! I’m hoping to talk some of these over with some of my friends, and dare to ask things that I haven’t before. I’m excited. What are some of your questions? 

After listening to Paul Washer I have been reading the book of 1st John. I have been doing things differently then I normally do when I read the Bible. This time I actually take the time to write down my questions, and journal my thoughts about what I am reading, instead of just reading through. I am finding this very moving, and much more thought provoking.

I’ve been doing a lot more saying goodbye this week, as well as reuniting with some friends who I have not seen in awhile. I am looking forward to hopefully meeting with two “Moses’s” (Leaders) in my life this following week, as well as maybe stopping by the pool to sniff some chlorine and see my coach, and friends.

Today was absolutly BEAUTIFUL. We’re talking temperatures up to 68 degrees. I took a walk at the park, close by our house. I was looking forward to some time alone, away from the noise. My park is my get away, I go there as much as I have time for, and when I feel like writing poetry, or journaling. It’s typically quiet. Today it was a madhouse. I went there to get away from my little sisters, and there were little kids scattered all over (okay, maybe only four but it’s a tiny park with two park benches!) So much for my “quiet” time. I kept on walking instead of waiting there, and ended up at home with the window open. It was so beautiful-I’m so ready for Spring although it is still January!

Alright, I’m out. I’m sorry for the lack of deepness in this post-I’m feeling so randomly shallow today, except my head is swirling with questions!!