I had the great opportunity to sit under the teaching of Beth Moore this Sunday. Okay, it was via a projector and DVD, but nevertheless, it was Beth Moore. I’m not normally a Beth Moore fan, and I don’t normally go to the Beth Moore Bible study at my church since I’ve been living in a different county then my home church and working on Sundays (at a different church). DVD series’ tend to be a challenge for me anyway just because I am A.D.D. and can’t focus, but I try not to use that excuse anymore. I decided to go to Sunday School this week thanks to the encouragement of one of my big sisters, Mandy, and because I knew my other awesome friend Candi would be there because she leads it! I figured what the heck…why not eh? It’ll be fun I’m sure.
Sheesh-I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Talk about some heavy topics. The topic was on “Intensive Care” and Beth Moore talked about living in God’s intensive care unit. I’m really bad at summarizing, and I didn’t take any notes in class due to my lame excuse of not having a pen and feeling bad about asking for one, but this is what I got about God’s intensive care:
1. It’s a place where only you can go, a place where you go where you want your friends the most and they are not there for you.
2. It’s place you go when you’re totally overwhelmed with specific sorrows and all you can think about is a specific pain that brings you there (it’s literally encircling you around your head and no matter where you turn you can’t get free from it). It doesn’t have to be a “big” thing in our society’s perspective or even our Christian circle’s perspective, but if it’s enough to consume you, then it’s enough to put you in intensive care.
3. Sometimes when you go there, your situation does not change. The cup does not pass from you and whatever sorrow brought you there in the first place does not get resolved.
It’s there that we can be real with God. We can throw ourselves at the feet of God and literally kick and scream and ask “why” as much as we need-He won’t leave us there because our anger is “too much.” I admit, this is a new concept for me. I’ll question, sure-and I’ll be mad, yes, but I don’t dare show it physically. I was raised in a household that told me very clearly that we do not show anger-so I don’t. It doesn’t turn out well when I’ve faced tremendous grief (I think of one fall in specific where I wish I would have grieved better because years later I’m still dealing with it) with a lot of anger and I’ve just tried to ignore it. But God isn’t afraid of our (my) fits. He isn’t afraid of our screams, and in fact, by emptying ourselves of the negative emotions so many of us bottle and hide, we allow Him to fill us more with His spirit and joy. Asking “why” does not mean we doubt God. Asking “why” shows us that we’re hurting and we need Him now more then ever.
One line keeps sticking out to me from Beth’s message:
“To the depth of which you love, you will hurt.”
SO true for my life. I spent the night (I can’t sleep, in case you can’t tell) journaling the depth of some of my loves and losses (the more recent ones), and it’s been such a great time for me. I’m starting to be okay with the fact that I hurt and be okay with the fact that I lost some people that I dearly love and I am still grieving from those losses. My friends can’t help me, I have to face this on my own with God. This whole summer God’s been at me regarding that, regarding the fact that I hurt, just like Him, I’ve lost, just like Him, and He wept when He suffered various losses, so why do I hold up the expectation to myself that I will not weep? He’s been giving me time alone with no one else beside me to make me understand that He is strong enough to hold me.
At the same time he’s helping me realize that I am surrounded by people who love and support me and want to help me through processing my loss if I’ll trust them enough to let them in. Even as I prepare to leave the circle of friends and support that I have here in Virginia (I move in 5 days), I won’t be away from the community of Christ. My challenge now is trusting from the start. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to trust, but as much as I am open to the help of others, God may just use some people to speak into my life in an amazing way.
I don’t know if this made much sense. It’s late, and my thoughts are kind of jumbled, but I want you to know that if you’re going through loss that you’re not alone. I want you to know that God can handle your questions, your anger, and your pain. I want you to know that He’s big enough to take all of your frustrations, and you don’t have to walk that path alone. Even if God’s calling you to intensive care where no one else can go but you know that you are being held by the prayers of the saints for you. I’ll say it again, you are not alone.