I’m heavy in your arms…

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet
My love’s an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I’m so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I’m so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Who is the betrayer?
Who’s the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn’t make a sound

My love has concrete feet
My love’s an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

My love has concrete feet
My love’s an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I’m so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I’m so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
I love you never felt like any blessing
(Ohhhh)
Whispering like it’s a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy heavy i’m so heavy in your arms
(i’m so) Heavy heavy i’m so heavy in your arms
(i’m so) Heavy heavy i’m so heavy in your arms
(i’m so) Heavy heavy i’m so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground

I’m so heavy, heavy in your arms.

Heavy, I’m so heavy in your arms.

(Florence + the machine, Heavy in your arms)

Perhaps you have been burned. Perhaps you loved your beloved and they stood by you and watched you drown because you became “too heavy” for them to hold.  Drowning burns, believe me, I know. It hurts to die inside but it hurts even more so when someone is watching  and contributing to your death.  This song reminds me so much of many of our broken lives. The lyrics remind me of trusting people and of leaning on them but then having it become too much for them to bear and having the very hands that once supported us fail to move to save us as we slowly drown. In the end it was a curse that we loved that person instead of a blessing (This will be my last confession “I love you” never felt like any blessing).

Thankfully for us, drowning is not the end to the song. “I was a heavy heart to carry, but he never let me down, when he had me in his arms, My feet never touched the ground.”

There IS hope. There IS someone who does not let our feet touch ground. We still maybe heavy, but His hands are strong enough to hold us up through any weather. It says in Zephaniah 3:17 that the Lord is “mighty to save.” He stands mighty to save you. He’s strong enough not to let your feet hit the ground. He WILL carry you, you can trust Him. We are heavy in His arms, but His strength is far more then strong enough.

Our Hope Endures

 

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It’s more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man’s wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It’s more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It’s more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Lyrics: Natalie Grant

My Brightness

I am a rock on the floor of the ocean. I lie without power, without the ability to breathe, without life. I am tossed by the constant ebb and flow of the waves. The rocks surrounding me crash into me, time and time again. Over time I’ve become calloused, chipped, and now smooth. Constantly, I am under pressure. Constantly I am under the stress of the sand, rocks, and waves. There never is a break in the waters oceans, never is there a break. I am small. I am insignificant under this pile of rocks.

One day I bump into a rock much larger then I. I roll, I am spinning, I crash, then suddenly, I find a place where I fit like a piece of a puzzle fits into a space created for it. I see how through time life has chipped and edged off the uneven surface that would have prevented me from finding my rest in this larger rock. It was like we were ment to be together all along. The rock was not created for me, but I was created for the rock.  How can this be?

My days in the rough waters are far from over, but I’ve found my place of rest. My Brightness. For a moment I linger in this spot of safety before I’m pushed back into the ocean. It’s okay this time, because I know that the longer I exist in this sea, the more I am conformed to the image my creator desires.

 

I’ve been hit from every corner,
I’ve been thrown from side to side,
I’m cracked up on the inside, so I come to you for life,
Your presence always heals me, so I want to drink it in,
you know where we’re going God,
You know where I’ve been.
Your love is like a rock
when I’m spinning
your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
Your love is like a rock
when I’m spinning around.

Yesterday I felt so angry
Today so insecure
I hate it that I wrestle
the God that I adore
Your presence always heals me
so I want to drink it in
You know where we’re going God
You know where I’ve been.
And Your love is like a rock
when I’m spinning
your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
Your love is like a rock
when I’m spinning…..

And I know less about you
my heart loves you so much more
your my pride in sadness
your my brightness.

I wish this thing could pass from me
but I’m wanting what you want
so bring me high or bring me low
just hold me in your love

And Your love is like a rock
when I’m spinning
your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
Your love is like a rock
when I’m spinning
your love is like a rock
when I’m spinning around.
~Charlie Hall, My Brightness

In memory of sweet Maria Chapman

Many of you have heard of the tragedy that fell on the family of Steven Curtis Chapman this week. For those of you who haven’t, Steven lost his youngest daughter, Maria, in a tragic accident. Steven’s son accidentally ran over her. I cannot imagine the devestation facing this young man. Each time, I place myself in his shoes, I am completely overwhelmed. Having two adopted little sisters I know the joy that they bring into my life, and I can’t imagine loosing either of them, let alone to have a horrible accident result in the responsibility of their death resting in my hands-the pain just consumes me. I’ve always been a softy, and pretty sensitive to others pains, but as I grapple with this one, I am just at a loss. My heart hurts for him.

All I can do is pray for this young man, and for his family. Each time I keep coming back to the injustice of it, or the pain of it, I stand humbled because I know that Maria is with Jesus. It still really stinks to be left without such a precious heart-and in such a terrible state of grief.

The family was getting ready to celebrate their oldest daughter’s engagement. One of their older sons had just graduated from High School, and now, they must bury Maria.

We can sit around and weep saying that “it’s not fair” and in reality-it really isn’t. We can try to cover our pain with words of sympathy-but our words do nothing to numb the pain. I am reminded of a song written by Stephen-before his daughters death. The words comfort, and haunt. As you go about your day today I ask you to remember the Chapman family, and the other families who are suffering the loss of a beloved daughter or son.

“This is not at all how
we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
we had so many dreams
And now you’ve gone away
and left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
and nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
the pain of losing you

We can cry with hope
we can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope
because we believe with hope
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again
We’ll see your face again

Never have I known
anything so hard to understand
Never have I questioned more
the wisdom of God’s plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
‘Cause now you’re home and now you’re free

We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again
We’ll see your face again

We have this hope like as an anchor
‘Cause we believe that everything God promised us is true

So we can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There’s a place
By God’s grace
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again .”

I will overcome

“And I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak
I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome
And I know that my heart is hurting, And I know that my soul it aches
And I know that it seems I’m failing, but I will overcome, yeah

Chorus:
O Lord I’m strong in You, O Lord I am wise in You
O Lord I can see in You, so I will overcome
O Lord I’m loved by You, O Lord I am free in you
O Lord I’m complete in You
So I will overcome, I will overcome, I will overcome

Bridge:
God listen to me shout, I’m so far from anywhere and I’m calling out
Lead me, lead me to the rock that is higher than I
You’re my breath, You’re my breath, You’re my very life
Infinite, Holy King meets weak and frail Christ in me
And I will overcome not by my strength but by Your grace and love.”

“I will Overcome” Charlie Hall

 Sitting today, just being outside in the warmth, being able to breathe again, and relax-I got to thinking. Thinking can be dangerous for me. It kind of had to do with something that me and my S.O.P.P. sister were talking about on the phone last night. We were talking about how much we’ve experienced, and all that we’ve gone through over the past year. I’ve entered college. I’ve overcome addictions, broken strongholds, and become a firm believer in Christ. I’ve become a big sister. I’ve lost many of my close friends, lost my church, and nearly lost some family members. I lost my dog, and lost two of my little sisters the year before-something I still have to deal with every morning.  It has been a year of loss, pain, and rejoicing-but a year of incredible growth. And through it all, a hand of grace, and incredible grace has been guiding me. So, as I end my semester, I must face this question-I face it everyday. Why don’t I depend on Him more? Why do I not trust Him when I see His faithfulness time after time? How much more will it take to drill into me that God is not going to abandon me. Great is HIS faithfulness!

How He loves

What else can I do?

Unquenchable

Currently Reading:  The best book in the world. (for those of you who can’t see, it’s The Unquenchable Worshipper by Matt Redman)

 

I came on this quote, and it stopped me, and I had to re-read it.

“Enter the UNQUENCHABLE worshipper. This world is full of fragile loves-love that abandons, love that fades, love that divorces, love that is self-seeking. But the UNQUENCHABLE worshipper is different. From a heart SO AMAZED by God and HIS wonders BURNS a LOVE that WILL NOT BE EXINGUISHED. It survives any situation, and lives through any circumstance. It will NOT allow itself to be QUENCHED, for that would HEAP INSULT on the LOVE it lives in responce to.”

Does that wreak anyone elses thoughts about worship?

It’s midnight, and I have a song summing up my thoughts

“A thousand times I’ve failed

Still Your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

I’m caught in Your grace

Everlasting

Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending

Your glory goes beyond all fame 

My heart and my soul.

I give you control.
Consume me from the inside out.

Your will above all else

My purpose remains

The art of losing myself

In bringing You praise

Everlasting

Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending

Your glory goes beyond all fame 

my heart and my soul

 I give You control

Consume me from the inside out

let justice and praise

Become my embrace

To love you from the inside out 

Everlasting

Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending

Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart

Is to bring You praise

From the inside out

oh my soul cries out.”

~Hillsong, From the Inside Out~

How long will it take?

 How long will it take to get this through my big, empty brain?

It’s easy to get discouraged. It’s so easy to let the busyness, the depression, the oppression, the noise, the action, the go getter lifestyle, the richness, the pursuit of happiness, the self motivation and self focus lifestyle of Northern Virginia ebb at you, I’m sure it’s not just a problem with NOVA though. I know that it’s all over.

Tonight as I was driving home, I just wanted to give up. Today was not my day. Disappointments, emotions, regrets, sorrows, pain ate at me all of my day. I knew at the beginning of the week that this week would be hard when on Monday morning I read “We are pressed but not crushed. Persecuted but not abandoned. Struck down but not destroyed.” God has a way of bringing scriptures into my life on Monday that carry throughout the week, and I started the week with hope, knowing I was going to make it through. One day left, four days later, I feel as though I have almost run out of fuel. It’s 10:17 and I’m exhausted.

I’m searching for something to fill that pain in my heart. Something to comfort, and it is not coming. I flip on youtube. Hmm, what do I want to watch? How about some Hillsong.

“What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. WHAT CAN MAKE ME WHOLE AGAIN? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

I admit. I’m not a hymny (I know that is not a word) person. I’m not a big fan of them, but I must say, they are some of the most lyrically profound songs I’ve heard.

Nothing but the blood of Jesus can make me whole. I start to play some other songs. Worship songs. Came to my Rescue. Hosanna. At the Cross. Facedown.  Slowely my pain, and longing begins to heal.

Suddenly I am reminded, I was created to worship, and that’s all that it’s about. No matter how crappy my day was. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how tired I am, or how down I feel. In worship I find my joy restored, and my pain relieved.

Oh how I love my God.