Garment of Praise

It started as a poem, continued as a song, ended as a prayer, and went back and forth again. Sometimes words fail to do feelings justice, but this is just a hint of the feelings of my ever restless heart.

I find myself falling into,
the hands that hide my shame,
screaming all the reasons,
I’ve fallen from your name.
You held me close to your heart,
while I tore my life apart,
I crushed your hopes and dreams,
pieces of perfection, nothing was as it seemed.
And How far can I run tonight?
That you won’t follow me?
How deep can this darkness be?
That you won’t catch me in your arms
and draw me to your chest.
Breathe in the fragrance,
at your breast.
And How far can I be from you?
that you wouldn’t fight one thousand demons,
or make foolish all my reasons,
that I avoid your name.
How far will you go to beat ,
off of my back and break every stronghold,
that keeps me from you?
Let me fall into your love
let me fall into your grace
remember once again the love we had
before I turned from your beautiful face
peruse me once again
let me feel your warm embrace
I long for Your touch,
Father, renew me once again.

 

What will it take for the church and in society to realize that the men and woman in our state and federal prisons are more than just a number, they are a name. Inmates are often stripped of identity and of humanity when they enter our correctional institutions and they often emerge worse than when they entered. What’s devastating is that they believe that they are forgotten and that no one cares about them. Why do they believe that they are forgotten you may ask? Because they ARE forgotten way too many times. We do not care for them like we should. Why do we walk by them and not take the chance to show them the love of Jesus Christ and His forgiveness and grace?

Should Jesus care about the murderer? Should He care about the rapist? Which does Jesus love more-the raped or the rapist? Which does he love more? The murdered or the murderer? These are all great questions to evaluate, but real questions prod us to action. If Jesus loves the murder and rapist like we know that He does why do we refuse to go and love them too? Jesus came to minister to the people who made mistakes, the people who were harlots, the people who were prostitutes and the inmate charged with sexually abusing a five year old girl. Does our coming to prison support their action-NO! We do not support the behaviors that many of the, but we love them because they were created in the image of God too.

It says that every sin in the Bible is equal in the eyes of God. In that case I should be serving 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (etc.) life sentences for the sin I’ve accumulated in my life and I should be on death row but Jesus took my place. It’s  not good to dwell on sin but I’ve recently been reminded of where I was by my sin being brought back to my eyes…and when I think of what God has brought me from and let’s say I am more amazed by His grace and mercy each and every day and sometimes I don’t even have words to speak when I think of the chains that He broke and how He freed me from the prison that I was in when He gave His son. How can you remain cold hearted to the needs of your brother when you claim to have your life changed?

If you’ve never worshiped along an inmate then you don’t know true worship. There’s nothing like a cell to make you realize your need and desperation for God. I wrote this poem for my friends at Philadelphia House of Corrections, and Bertie Correctional Institution. Singing “Nothing but the Blood” with you is an experience I will never forget. “What can wash away my sin? nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” I refuse to forget you. Hebrews 13:3.

“Nothing but the Blood”
What can wash away my sin?
The sin that holds me in these chains,
I’ve finally found my freedom,
embraced in the arms of change.
I wait in this never-ending wilderness,
serving every minute due of my time.
Remind me once again of your faithfulness,
as I’m forced to take it back and rewind.
Locks on every door, wire on the fences,
heart is unsure, left with so many glances,
hard plastic chair assaulting my senses,
I hang my head knowing I deserve my sentence.
Chains binding my body but not my spirit,
I am enclosed like an animal-pacing my cell.
Regret is my crime but I refuse to fear it,
I carry with me my story to tell.
Will you look me in the eye,
Will you take the time to really see me,
must you wait until I die,
to see what is within me?
My eyes are those of your brother’s,
Your hands are those of Jesus’s
my sorrow is that of your mother’s,
I watch you as you slowly walk away,
through the gates and doors,
and onto your day.
Remember me,
do not forget my name.
Choose to see me,
never be the same.

I have so many questions tonight.

I remember that song I used to listen to by Todd Agnew. It started “I have better questions then I have answers….”-it’s so true.

I have so many thoughts. I just keep thinking about life-about love-about God-about forgiveness-about grace-and wrestling through these topics. Like how much of what I do is motivated by my desire to earn my salvation? Why can’t I just be who God created me to be without barriers and guards up to the rest of the world? Why does society shape my perspective on who I should become so much? Why can’t I let God just love me?

I keep trying to write something, but I keep erasing it because nothing makes sense. I feel vulnerable when I am like this. All I know is that God is up to something. I crave more of Him-more of His presence-more of who He is. Why can’t we just be content with Him-is He really enough to satisfy our every need and if so why do we so often look to others to fulfil those needs?

I’m home.

I’m home from my summer internship. I’m home from the longest summer I think I’ve ever had (but yet, it still passed incredibly fast at the end). I’m home from the best three days I’ve spent anywhere in a long while and I feel like I’m finally back to me. I’m no longer as restless as I was. I’m no longer as distant as I felt. I’m no longer as stressed, and overwhelmed, and overburdened and trying to take on six months in one day and that all happened thanks to three days of getting my feet back under me in West Virginia on our church’s mission trip. For now, I’m just worried about getting my room clean and if I’m going to get the chance to say goodbye to the people that I need to say goodbye to before I leave to move to Pennsylvania in 12 short days.

I still am processing a lot. Ever feel like you should have a systems overload button? I sure do. A lot went on this summer. I have experienced lot of growth. I discovered a lot of ugliness in myself, but a lot of blessings too. I’ll start recorded some of the happenings soon-don’t yah worry, but for now, I just wanted to let you know that I’m still alive.

I’ll admit-I’m a worry wart. I’ve always been. Anxiety has been too good of a companion to me for all of my life. Sick? It’s the worst. People haven’t called me? They’ve died or something bad happened to them. Test? I’m going to fail it. Invited to someones house? I got the wrong date and time (or the wrong house).  New people? They won’t like me. Old friends? I’ve changed and they’ve changed and what if we don’t mesh? These are just some of the few ridiculously crazy worries that keep me up and make my heart pound.

One of my amazing guy friends once told me “You know, every fear that you have is just another chance that you missed to trust God.”

Trust. Whoa there. I guess that is what it comes down to, isn’t it? Trust. Trust that God won’t let me down, and when I feel like He has, that it is really for my good.

I don’t trust easily. Anyone who knows me knows that. It erks a lot of people. I trust about a handful of my family members and closest friends but other then that-good luck. And here I get sad when people don’t trust me-yeah, that makes a lot of sense (NOT). I have my reasons, none of which are good enough. If God has willed everything that happened to me to happen to me and since I made it through all of it with a little bit of sanity left why do I think that He will fail me or give me something that I won’t be able to walk through? I just don’t trust enough. How do you change that? How do you trust when everything screams at you not to? One moment at a time, and sometimes one breath at a time. I must let go. I must unclench control over my life and my well being and welfare and let someone else take care of it for me. You know, it kind of makes me laugh-I can’t even keep track of my keys and $500 retainer but somehow I trust myself more to run my life then the person who knows everything about me and created the stars? Ironic huh?

Just some struggles…Just some thoughts….

“When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come. Longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart. I’ll bring you more then a song, for a song in itself is not what you have required. You search much deeper within through the way things appear, your looking into my heart. I’m coming back to the heart of worship and it’s all about you, it’s all about you Jesus, I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about you, it’s all about you Jesus.”

I personally can’t stand songs that get overplayed on the radio. When this song was released a few years back, it drove me nuts because of the sheer amount of times that I heard it in one day. After awhile I guess it got replaced by other worship songs on the radio station that I listen to, so it is not played as often. The other day when I heard it I got to thinking about the lyrics, especially the part that says: ”all is stripped away and I simply come, longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart.” I got to thinking about how true this is for my life. When God strips away my friends and my family I have this sudden urge to deepen my connection with Him and to be closer to Him. I have the urge to be loved and known by the Savior of the Universe in a way that most people do not understand. My question is why does it take everything being ripped from me to refocus and to come back to desperate state to glorify Christ in my actions and with my life?  How is it that I get so distracted by the blessings that GOD has given me that I forget the giver of the gifts? Thank you Father for reminding me of Your presence in my life through taking away people precious to me in order to put my focus back to where it should be. Help me to remember you instead of blaming you in my pain. Thank you for being sovereign Lord.

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
C. S. Lewis

 

So where have I been these past few weeks? Experiencing. Experiencing things that challenge me and shake my perspective on life. I feel like I’ve aged more in the past few months of this year then I have in a few years of childhood. “Normal” 20 year olds don’t go through some of the stuff I’ve had to, but since when have I been “normal?” God’s hand has been all over everything I’ve been experiencing. I’ve stood amazed after time and time again he pours out his grace on the situations I find myself in. My new life verse has become Ecclesiastes 3:11.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Sometimes I just don’t understand how certain people can act the way that they do. Recently I’ve realized it’s because they have no eternity in their hearts. They don’t understand what it means to be living according to the commandments of God or to be given the gift of holding “eternity in their hearts.”  There are somedays when I can feel so close to death, it’s weird (stay with me, and don’t worry about it…it’s a good kind of thing to feel when you belong to Christ). It doesn’t scare me in the least bit, but it’s like I am so aware of the fact that I could be gone in a second, but gone to somewhere where time never ends. It humbles me and keeps me grounded.

When situations don’t turn out how I expect them to lately I’ve been reminded that I can’t even begin to understand what God is up too. My view is far too small to wrap my mind around what He is doing. I know God, and He is good. I know He has never failed me before, so why is it so hard for me to trust Him sometimes? “Let go.” That’s all I can do, and when I do I am reminded, he is making it all beautiful.