Archive for Family

the depths of which you love, you will hurt

{ August 17, 2009 @ 12:44 am } · { Christianity, Family, church, college, friends, life }
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I had the great opportunity to sit under the teaching of Beth Moore this Sunday. Okay, it was via a projector and DVD, but nevertheless, it was Beth Moore. I’m not normally a Beth Moore fan, and I don’t normally go to the Beth Moore Bible study at my church since I’ve been living in a different county then my home church and working on Sundays (at a different church). DVD series’ tend to be a challenge for me anyway just because I am A.D.D. and can’t focus, but I try not to use that excuse anymore. I decided to go to Sunday School this week thanks to the encouragement of one of my big sisters, Mandy, and because I knew my other awesome friend Candi would be there because she leads it! I figured what the heck…why not eh? It’ll be fun I’m sure.

Sheesh-I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Talk about some heavy topics. The topic was on “Intensive Care” and Beth Moore talked about living in God’s intensive care unit. I’m really bad at summarizing, and I didn’t take any notes in class due to my lame excuse of not having a pen and feeling bad about asking for one, but this is what I got about God’s intensive care:

1. It’s a place where only you can go, a place where you go where you want your friends the most and they are not there for you. 

2. It’s place you go when you’re totally overwhelmed with specific sorrows and all you can think about is a specific pain that brings you there (it’s literally encircling you around your head and no matter where you turn you can’t get free from it). It doesn’t have to be a “big” thing in our society’s perspective or even our Christian circle’s perspective, but if it’s enough to consume you, then it’s enough to put you in intensive care.

3. Sometimes when you go there, your situation does not change. The cup does not pass from you and whatever sorrow brought you there in the first place does not get resolved.

BUT…

It’s there that we can be real with God. We can throw ourselves at the feet of God and literally kick and scream and ask “why” as much as we need-He won’t leave us there because our anger is “too much.” I admit, this is a new concept for me. I’ll question, sure-and I’ll be mad, yes, but I don’t dare show it physically. I was raised in a household that told me very clearly that we do not show anger-so I don’t. It doesn’t turn out well when I’ve faced tremendous grief (I think of one fall in specific where I wish I would have grieved better because years later I’m still dealing with it) with a lot of anger and I’ve just tried to ignore it. But God isn’t afraid of our (my) fits. He isn’t afraid of our screams, and in fact, by emptying ourselves of the negative emotions so many of us bottle and hide, we allow Him to fill us more with His spirit and joy. Asking “why” does not mean we doubt God. Asking “why” shows us that we’re hurting and we need Him now more then ever.

One line keeps sticking out to me from Beth’s message:

“To the depth of which you love, you will hurt.”

SO true for my life. I spent the night (I can’t sleep, in case you can’t tell) journaling the depth of some of my loves and losses (the more recent ones), and it’s been such a great time for me. I’m starting to be okay with the fact that I hurt and be okay with the fact that I lost some people that I dearly love and I am still grieving from those losses. My friends can’t help me, I have to face this on my own with God.  This whole summer God’s been at me regarding that, regarding the fact that I hurt, just like Him, I’ve lost, just like Him, and He wept when He suffered various losses, so why do I hold up the expectation to myself that I will not weep? He’s been giving me time alone with no one else beside me to make me understand that He is strong enough to hold me.

At the same time he’s helping me realize that I am surrounded by people who love and support me and want to help me through processing my loss if I’ll trust them enough to let them in. Even as I prepare to leave the circle of friends and support that I have here in Virginia (I move in 5 days), I won’t be away from the community of Christ. My challenge now is trusting from the start. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to trust, but as much as I am open to the help of others, God may just use some people to speak into my life in an amazing way.

I don’t know if this made much sense. It’s late, and my thoughts are kind of jumbled, but I want you to know that if you’re going through loss that you’re not alone. I want you to know that God can handle your questions, your anger, and your pain. I want you to know that He’s big enough to take all of your frustrations, and you don’t have to walk that path alone. Even if God’s calling you to intensive care where no one else can go but you know that you are being held by the prayers of the saints for you. I’ll say it again, you are not alone.

Why God?

{ February 11, 2009 @ 11:05 pm } · { Christianity, Family, adoption, church, death, friends, life }
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  • A person who murdered a pregnant mother runs around free while somewhere in a prison only a few hours away lies a man in jail for a murder he did not commit.
  • A husband leaves a woman who is living out her walk with Christ and is fully devoted and commited to Him. She compound fractures her arm-needing surgery. It leaves her unable to drive, unable to cook and unable to hold her children. She is in pain. Not only that but her husbands oldest daughter dies of cancer at the age of 18 all in 2 weeks-Oh, and did we mention she has 5 kids the oldest being in 5th grade and two children under the age of 3?
  • A man who was in love with his teenage girlfriend gets locked up while another guy rapes a friend of mine and goes free. Different men come and buy sex slaves for one night stands and then walk away.
  • Two years pouring our lives into an adoption that is stopped by a heartless judge and a family who broke the rules.
  • Someone pulls a gun on someone elses son-crushing the families hopes and taking away what was a gift to them.
  • An amazing, young student of mine suffers from a disease no one should have to face. A disease that causes great pain, and danger to their life.
  • Physical and mental problems are one of the only constants in life.

There are countless stories of injustices that I have observed even just within this past month. Everyone has a story of a situation where they did not understand a horrendous sorrow that happened in someones life. If you don’t then you really are blessed! My heart is wrenched out of me and my breath taken away sometimes when I really stop and think about how unfair it is that some things happen to some people. So often does my heart cry out: “it’s so unfair God!”

Unfair? Who am I to say what is fair and just in the eyes of God? God breaks who he needs to break and mends who He needs to mend. His plan is so much bigger then I can see. As Christians we are not exempt from troubles-infact we are called to embrase them. Look at all the Christians in the Bible whom we hold and esteem as people to follow. Paul, Job, the disciples, JESUS….suffering doesn’t even come close to describe what they went through. Agony-sorrow-pain so beyond our imagination followed them. Things that should happen to no one happened to them. They followed God, they obeyed his commands. Why was their life embedded with the glass slivers of sorrow and blood drops of pain?  

Who’s to say that God will not take our sorrows and show the world His glory though them. That’s what it’s all about, right? His glory for the nations.

Why is that so hard to understand when everything we have is ripped away? We lose sight of the fact that we serve a God who’s greater then our little frame of time and we forget that something we’re going through now might not make sense until after we leave earth.

Matthew 5:45b “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

Deep, huh? I’m still chewing on it. The sorrows I face in life are worth it. The sufferings we experience are reminders that this is not our home. Does the suffering we experience make God any less worthy of our praise? Does sorrow make him less of a God? No…it makes us realise we need more of Him. We need him to exchange beauty for our ashes. to give us the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and to bestow on us a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair…even more so when there’s suffering. Even more do we need Him when there’s things we don’t understand.

Clouded Journey

{ February 2, 2009 @ 7:04 pm } · { Family, Poetry, church, friends, life }
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I’ve been writing some people in a very difficult situation. They are in a place that no one would wish to be in. Some are there because of the consequence of a decition that they made-some are there because of unjust reasons. Through it all one thing they both mentioned was that they feel like they are in the middle of a storm. I wrote this poem (really quickly, it’s not my best work) in hopes to encourage them to find peace in Christ in the middle of their storm.

The clouds gather on our journey,
Often covering our view of Him.
Our thoughts scrambled, chaotic, and unruly,
but we finally find peace within.
Although our storm may not disappear,
And rain may continue to fall-
He holds us through our fear,
when we find Him to be our all and all.
There are somethings we cannot change,
Often we fight His hand in our life.
“If only this he’d rearrange-
There would be so much less strife”
But we forget so easily
Of His grace and mercy so sweet.
Finding more of Him in less of me-
Where strength and suffering meet.

All I need.

{ January 29, 2009 @ 10:33 pm } · { Christianity, Family, Poetry, life }
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Let’s face it, when God comes and does work on your heart that is not always easy. He seems to dredge up all these emotions we’ve left unfelt and uninvited and throw them out before us even years later then we initially felt them. If you’re like me and a person who bottles your emotions, you’ve got a lot down in there you’re still holding onto.  I don’t know about you but I stand back wondering, gee, why didn’t I losen my hold on that hurt years ago? Yesterday was one of those days where God just kind of came into my heart and did survay. We fought (He won), He asked, and I gave. It’s amazing how the act of surrender can heal so much brokeness. It’s exausting, but so good. I wrote this poem about his breaking, and healing.

With fragile feet I’ve found myself dancing in the pouring rains of sorrow,
moving to the rhythm of your healing I am lost within your fond embrace.
The worries of tomorrow, suffocating me-but finally- the pains of today melt away,
In the glory of your beauty and the consuming aroma of your love I am speechless-lacking words to say.
I am a crippled, silenced dancer, but it’s in my suffering that you complete,
I am a burdened heart and a crushed spirit, but it’s for you I come to meet.
I am forsaken, abandoned, damaged and afraid,
I have no wisdom, no consuming plans have I made.
I just sit here silently although inside I am caught in the ocean,
The tide pounding on the shore with every emotion.
Pull up a seat to watch the waves of hurt and misery roll in,
while I stand in the middle clinging to the one with no sin.
HE is my stability in the shifting sands of change,
He is the only thing I have when things rearrange.
When all else fails and people leave, I’m finding the reality is He’s all I need.

Abuse

{ January 27, 2009 @ 11:11 pm } · { Christianity, Family, Poetry, church, friends, life }
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Recently I was talking to a dear friend of mine and the issue of abuse came up. I started this poem adressing one form of abuse, and ended addressing several. Let’s face it, abuse is prevalent in our society. It is hidden better then ever before, but it is still very much a part of our lives. If you or someone you love is being abused, stand up and be heard. Do not let shame hide you. Your Father in heaven sees you (like I talked about in my previous post), and He cares for you. If you have been abused in the past, there is healing and hope in Christ Jesus. What has been done to you was wrong, and injust. Your father grieves with you and for you. He alone can heal your wounds, and restore your brokeness. Cry out to Him, and He will rescue you. Reach out for Him, and He will be strong to save. Reach out to others who love you (atleast one earthy person does, me….and I’m sure you have others too) and ask for help-you don’t have to go through this alone. Don’t let your abuser take more of you then they already have.

Fragile Wings Fly
I was only young,
I looked up to you,
You cut your knife into me,
watching me bleed…using me too.
Your goal was for your power,
Your mind to set on stealing me away.
You took more then you gave to me,
and robbed my innocence away.
Everytime I heard you,
I wanted just to hide.
Everytime I saw you,
I blamed myself inside.
Your anger always burned,
Your wrath destroyed,
Your tongues was always aflame,
And I’ve been burned, no one to blame.
I was like a child,
I hid away,
longing for the final day.
Finally you left me,
and I let go of you,
When I found someone to love,
more then when I had you.
He told me I was beautiful,
Lovely, and full of worth.
He saved my life and my soul,
and rescued me from earth.
Dying on a cross,
A sacrifice so grand.
through His loss,
I can stand.
I’ll admit that in my dreams,
sometimes I hear your voice,
I feel my fear begin to paralyze
and remember your remorse.
You say that you are sorry
but how can that possibly be
when you continue to hurt me.
what’s the line of grace
and line of abuse?
when I’ve been broken,
what’s the use?
I swear I won’t be like you,
but how can I know for sure?
It starts today
It ends tonight
my battle begins
with my strength I’ll fight.
I hate abuse
I hate injustice,
so let me end this rhyme,
and fight another time.
This time its different,
This time I’m for sure,
You don’t have ahold of me,
Because God’s got who I’ll be.

The God who Sees

{ January 25, 2009 @ 11:30 pm } · { Christianity, Family, God Moments, church, life }
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In Sunday School we’re studying the names of God. One of this weeks names was “El Roi” or better known in English as “The God who sees.” All thoughout this week it’s been on my heart (I’m making a collage about it as we speak). I’ve been thinking about it, and it’s just been blowing me away. God has seen everything that has happened to me all thoughout my life. Even the things that no earthly person will ever know, He knows. Those things that I am ashamed of, who I used to be, what I used to do, what people did to me-He saw. Right now, He’s sitting here with me as I write this, because He lives inside me and He is watching over me. That can either be a comfort or something that scares the crap out of me. He’s watching me. He sees me.

The story we studyed was the story of Hagar. I’ll summerize it to you in my language (keep in mind, this is a paraphase, the real story can be found in Genisis 16) Basically what happens to her is that Sarah can’t have children and she gets frustrated. So she tells Abraham to have sex with Hagar so that she could have a kid. All my life I’ve seen Hagar as sort of the provocative one, but today I realized, Hagar had no real choice in the matter. What if she didn’t want to sleep with Abraham? What if she wanted to be pure? Esentually, Hagar was a slave who was forced into sex slavery. Hagar realizes she’s pregnant now and starts to be mean to Sarai (I never really thought of it that perhaps she was angry at Sarah for making her do something against her will, perhaps she felt violated, and insecure and that is why she bugged Sarah so much)-so Sarah’s like forget her Abraham, she’s driving me nuts. Abraham basically tells Sarah do what you want to her-leave me out of it. So Sarah starts to abuse Hagar, and what does Hagar do? She runs. She books it. She’s out of there. Pregnant, alone, abused, and frustrated-she flees into the desert. Then what happens? The angel of the Lord finds her. Was Hagar missing to God? No. Do you realize how incredible this is? God looks for Hagar. If there’s one thing in life I want, it’s to be found. It’s been a constant theme in my life. I just want someone to seek me, persue me, and find me worthy to be waited for. God knows just what Hagar desired and needed and He finds her in the desert, pregnant, alone, and afraid. I found it interesting what God does next. He asks her “where have you come from, and where are you going?” Do you think God didn’t know where she came from or where she is going? No-that’s exacally the amazing thing, He is the God who sees-He knew all about her past and future, but He asks her about where she is going and where she has been because He wants to hear from her and have communication with her. Women want to be heard. They want to have a chance to talk about what’s been done to them, who they are now, and where they are headed. So Hagar tells Him that she’s running away. What does God do? Not what you would have wanted Him to do. God didn’t fix everything and make it perfect for her like we want Him to in our lives. Instead He says to her-you know what, all that crap that happened to you-go back to it. Submit to Sarah, your master. Live there again, and I’m going to make your desendents to be too many to count. He promises her the greatest thing a woman could want back then-something that would outlive her. She obeys God and because of it, she is blessed.

Have you ever run away like Hagar? I haven’t physically, although I’ve been tempted to. Have you ever hid? I used to do it all of the time. As a child I used to just build myself a tent with my sheets. When bad things would happen I would go and hide away in my tent that I built with my covers. I’d curl up, burrow myself until I could bearly breathe and stay there. No one could find me (or so I thought). No one could see me. No one could hurt me. I was safe because I hid. My door was closed, and locked, and I was safe. When I grew older I realized that hiding under a bedsheet was no longer acceptable so I began to hide myself under masks. The mask of put together Christian was one I hid under SO OFTEN-even to my own family. I boast in this that I am amazing at drama. I can pretend that I am okay when I am really suffering. I am good at hiding my emotions when I want to. I don’t know about you, but for me hiding gets exausting.  As I age, I’ve just pretty much stopped. Back then, a closed door was my best friend, and a comfort, but the comfort only lasted for so long. I couldn’t handle it for too long because I was being eaten from the inside out. I opened the door and stopped hiding when I entered college. I wanted to become me. I admit to a certian degree there are some things that people just won’t know about me regarding my past, but what you see is pretty much what you get when it comes to me now, and I’ve never been happier. God has blessed me beacause I have come out of hiding and I’ve seen how my obedience to be brave and to go back to the situations that made me hide before and depend on God for strength and stay in them results in blessings for me, and for people in the future.

All this to say-I am Hagar. In my past, and now. All thoughout my life there is one person I could and can never hide from and that was and is my God. God saw me. He found me. He came to me. He saw my failed attempts to pretend I was happy and held me as I wept in frustration that my life was falling apart or cradled and wept for me those terrifying three years where I did not shed a tear. He saw me when like Hagar, consequences from other peoples decitions effected me and tore me apart. He found me-and there’s so much He’s promised me that I know He will do with my life. Have you ever thought about God being troubled for and with you? I never had. Isaiah 63:9 talks about God being distressed for His people. Now, there’s a certian degree where God’s not biting his fingernails at our actions afraid of what is going to happen because God knows what is going to happen, but God feels and shares in our pain. Right before Jesus raised Lazarous from the dead when His friends are like “dude Jesus, you totally abandoned us, if you had come earlier, this wouldn’t have happened” Jesus weeps. Can you imagine what Jesus crying would have looked like? I’m the kind of person that I hold my friends when they cry, and I cry when they cry too. In a way, I think that’s a piece of God’s heart. He sees us in our broken state and although He may not be freaking out like us, He weeps, or is frustrated, or hurts for us. Wow. God is “The God who sees.” Does that totally blow anyone else away? God sees me as worthy of been seen, and found.

broken cars and broken lives

{ January 21, 2009 @ 11:52 am } · { Christianity, Family, church, death, friends, life }
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Having a broken down car makes me pray a whole lot more. “Dear God, just let me get home. Dear God, you know what, just to a parking lot would be okay. Dear God, just to the side of the road, JUST TO THE SIDE…!!”

Why is it that I realize how much I need God so much more when I find myself in trouble? When life begins to burn and smoke starts coming from things I am so quick to come to him and beg Him to do what he does and BE GOD. When life is good I move through life just driving by opportunities to take a step of faith and trust Him more. I get content to just have him ready in case something happens (which kind of makes me sick to think about).

If you know me you’ll know one thing about me: I like to be independent. Growing up I was never allowed to, so in every area that I can be independent today, I want to be. This effects who I am with Christ and my spiritual walk too. I can recall to you countless times where I am just like “God, I want to do this by myself.” So He lets me and I start happily away at my independence and I get one step into it and go “crap….I guess I do need You.” The truth is I am fully dependent on Him, I can’t even breathe without Him. As soon as I stop fighting against Him and let Him do His thing I stand back and go….”God, that’s just awesome.” Why? Because I let Him be God. I let Him help me. I let Him work through me instead of trying to do things by my own power. Why do I always have to be so difficult? Why do I fight so hard?  It all comes down to a matter of pride. I want to do things. I want to be my own person. I. I. I. I. It’s not about me. It’s all about Him. It’s time for me to realize that I can’t do it by myself.

On another note: Last night it happened again. I was laying in bed thinking about the events of the day (the insecurities and fears of a new president, how I want to go to the March for life on Thursday but can’t, how everything is changing, how I’m going away to college) when all of a sudden I was overcome with reality. It slapped me so hard I could barely breathe. You know that feeling that your heart is just 1,000 lbs heavy? Yeah, that happened. I realized: I’m living. I’m breathing. History has happened, people have come on this earth, lived, and then died, and now I’m living. It’s my turn. This life is real. I don’t get a second chance. When it’s over, it’s over. So what in the world am I doing with my time? Why am I here? Where am I going? It’s so easy to get caught up in the drama of this life and swept away by it. From homework to friendships to family to transferring-I’ve had a lot of my mind, but what matters more is why I’m here. I’m here to glorify God and to increase His fame. How am I doing this? As I am constantly asking myself and my friends “If I were to die tonight and stand before God what would I say for my life.” “I’m sorry?” I don’t think so. I don’t want to waste my life. Life is such a blessing and such a gift, why do I forget that. We only get one chance and who knows how long we’ll have. How am I living in a way that glorifies God?

Just some things to think on. God’s good.

Needy

{ October 13, 2008 @ 10:23 pm } · { Family, life }
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me at the hospital, only a few days old

me at the hospital, only a few days old

When I was born I was absolutely helpless. I relied on machines to pump air into my lungs, and monitors to keep my heart in check. At any moment, those who loved me knew that I could pass away because I was fragile. I was born a month early, and made my Mom stay in the hospital for ten long days before the doctors decided to preform a Cesarean section. Many stories resulted from my birth, including my taking the blame for my Mom’s grey hair. When I was born, I could do nothing for myself. When I was born, I had to rely on the fact that no one was going to come and pull the oxygen off, or mess up my wires. I couldn’t eat, breathe, or live without help. I was fully reliant on others to help me.

So what changed? Almost twenty years later, I am fairly independent. I drive myself, feed myself, dress myself, and could live by myself for periods of time and end up alright. All these changes are appropriate for my age, because as I age, I am supposed to grow up. There’s one area in life that is different.

The other day I was driving with my little sister in the backseat. She was in one of her “question” modes where she asked me about 100 questions (hard ones too like why my Grandma died and why couldn’t she get better) per second and she made a remark that stood out to me. She said “I am like a tiny baby to God.” At first I was like NOO Kate, he sees you as the girl you are when I stopped myself. “What do you mean?” I asked. It made sense to me then. I think my seven year old sister is a lot smarter then I am.

My Mom’s favorite story of me is after I was born. They were about to wheel me away after discovering how unstable I was (I was born with a hole in my heart, and breathing problems). She stood over my little helpless body in an incubator and said “Hello Laura.” I turned my head in response to her words. Why? Because I knew her voice. I knew she had been the one to supply my needs.

When I placed my trust in God for the first time I was fully relent on Him for my every breath. I knew that I had nothing outside of Him, and if he were to “mess up my wires” I would die in an instant. So why do we so easily drift away from this full reliance over time? Today I stand reminded that I do NOTHING outside of what He empowers me to do. In God’s eyes we are helpless, like a baby, fragile, and needy. All we need to survive is found in Him. It may not be what we want, but it’s what we need. We need to go back to the state of helplessness. We need to go back to having our every need supplied by our creator. We need to learn to respond to HIS voice and HIS voice alone.

Can we confidently stand up and say that He is all we need to supply all our needs? I remember Philippians 4:9- 

“And My God will supply all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

It doesn’t say some, it doesn’t say that He “might” supply them. It says he WILL. It’s not our wants, it’s our needs he’s concerned about. Let us constantly be reminded that He alone supplies everything we need.

wisdom smishdom!

{ October 8, 2008 @ 6:49 pm } · { Family, church, friends, life }
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I have no idea what to do with my future. I have applied to three different colleges, and was contacted by another-I have no idea where to go, or what to major in. I feel overwhelmed, and just lost in paperwork and things to think about. Where should I apply? Will I get accepted? What should I major in? Where do my credits transfer to and which ones won’t transfer? How much are the scholarships I can get? Will my transcripts arrive safely? Will all my paperwork get there? There’s bigger issues though. There’s not a single college that I’ve applied to that one family member does not have one problem with. Not like I’m really looking for a college for them anyway, but I do want to find a college that my family supports my attending.

For the most part I don’t think about it. I do what I need to do, work on applications and arrange paperwork, but I try to push the thought of actually making a decition away. As each day passes comes the reality that I really need to decide. I need wisdom. I keep hearing the voice of a great women of God as she spoke into my life at the age of 17 and told me “Joy, God is going to do AMAZING things in your life if you just say “yes” to Him.” That statement has resounded through my life since the day she said it, and I cling to it today. I want to say YES, I’m just not sure what that looks like.

I’m sure you have those situations in your life where you need wisdom from God. Perhaps it’s in a major decision like if you supposed to marry someone, or perhaps it’s something like where to school your child, or how to respond to an authority in your life. Face it, we all need wisdom. We can’t make choices on our own as a believer, God must be a constant part of the process or else our wisdom ends up looking like the worlds, and ending in shame and disappointment. So what does wisdom look like for the believer?

All this week I’ve been reading in James 1. Today reading verses 5-8 just really slapped me around.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.”

God’s wisdom is conditional. You know the “but” statements are so prevalent in life. You can do that BUT….you can ask BUT…you can have that BUT…. God’s conditions are greater. He expects us when we ask something of Him to believe him fully, and depending on Him completely. How many of us can say that in the choices we make we ask for wisdom fully depending that God is going to show up and guide us in an amazing way? Maybe we need to shift our idea of asking things for God, and shift it so that we TRUST Him to provide the wisdom that we need. Do you trust Him? Do I? Let’s ask Him in faith to guide us and give us His wisdom. I think we’ll be amazed at what He does.

Misery follows me…a journey of forgiveness

{ August 27, 2008 @ 8:05 pm } · { Family, church, friends, life }
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Recently I’ve been learning the depth of my need of my savior. I encountered a situation last week where I was faced with memories of something that happened to me a long time ago-something I was trying to forget. It was like I was standing before this “trigger” (a situation I found myself in) and everything came rushing back. The brokenness, the hurt, the hate, the bitterness-everything just consumed me, it felt as though I could not breathe. You know what I did? I let misery consume me. I didn’t fight against it, I just let myself feel it. Why? I was tired. I was lazy. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to keep on fighting it. So I let myself feel this bitterness for a few days this week. I let it eat at me. I let it do it’s work. Misery kept on following me.

When I’m driving in my car is often times when God decides to “do his work” on my heart. Perhaps it’s because I am finally take the time to be quiet (with a broken radio it’s easy to do) or perhaps it’s because I am finally alone, but He seems to most often come down the clearest when I find myself making my way to or from school. The days I let the misery eat at me I shrugged God off. I didn’t really care what he thought. Then, it happened. Like my Mom when she used to grab my arm to get my attention, I felt a “jerk” on the “arm” of my heart. It hit me.

WHY AM I SO HESITANT TO FORGIVE WHEN I HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN OF SO MUCH?

Sometimes I think as Christ followers we can be some of the most unforgiving of them all. Why is that?

Why do we hold our pain and bitterness so close when we have a savior WHO ALREADY TOOK THE PAIN?

Wake up Christian. You don’t have to hurt. Right then, I let go, and it felt amazing. This person has already taken too much from me. I refuse to let them take anymore.

There have been times like with this situation where I’ve wondered how I could possibly forgive. How can I say “I forgive you” to someone who took so much from me? The thing is I can’t. WE can’t. We forget we can’t even draw a breath without our heavenly father giving it to us! How do we expect to be able to forgive without his strength?

We can’t. See, when Jesus died on the cross he took our sin on his shoulders, as well as the sins of others against us. For us to deny forgiveness to another is to say that His sacrifice was not enough vengeance for the person whom he suffered for.

We must forgive in order to be forgiven. The Bible is clear on this (Luke 6:37 among others). So why do we so often carry around the baggage of unforgiven? Don’t get me wrong, sometimes forgiveness is a day by day moment by moment process, but when we’re given the chance to live a life of freedom from the drowning feeling, why do we choose to let ourselves feel pain?

If you’re struggling with forgiveness today, I encourage you to let go of the pain that is stifling you. I did, and it’s made all the difference. Our Saviors price was enough to save you, won’t you let it save your suffering as well?

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