Archive for death

Why God?

{ February 11, 2009 @ 11:05 pm } · { Christianity, Family, adoption, church, death, friends, life }
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  • A person who murdered a pregnant mother runs around free while somewhere in a prison only a few hours away lies a man in jail for a murder he did not commit.
  • A husband leaves a woman who is living out her walk with Christ and is fully devoted and commited to Him. She compound fractures her arm-needing surgery. It leaves her unable to drive, unable to cook and unable to hold her children. She is in pain. Not only that but her husbands oldest daughter dies of cancer at the age of 18 all in 2 weeks-Oh, and did we mention she has 5 kids the oldest being in 5th grade and two children under the age of 3?
  • A man who was in love with his teenage girlfriend gets locked up while another guy rapes a friend of mine and goes free. Different men come and buy sex slaves for one night stands and then walk away.
  • Two years pouring our lives into an adoption that is stopped by a heartless judge and a family who broke the rules.
  • Someone pulls a gun on someone elses son-crushing the families hopes and taking away what was a gift to them.
  • An amazing, young student of mine suffers from a disease no one should have to face. A disease that causes great pain, and danger to their life.
  • Physical and mental problems are one of the only constants in life.

There are countless stories of injustices that I have observed even just within this past month. Everyone has a story of a situation where they did not understand a horrendous sorrow that happened in someones life. If you don’t then you really are blessed! My heart is wrenched out of me and my breath taken away sometimes when I really stop and think about how unfair it is that some things happen to some people. So often does my heart cry out: “it’s so unfair God!”

Unfair? Who am I to say what is fair and just in the eyes of God? God breaks who he needs to break and mends who He needs to mend. His plan is so much bigger then I can see. As Christians we are not exempt from troubles-infact we are called to embrase them. Look at all the Christians in the Bible whom we hold and esteem as people to follow. Paul, Job, the disciples, JESUS….suffering doesn’t even come close to describe what they went through. Agony-sorrow-pain so beyond our imagination followed them. Things that should happen to no one happened to them. They followed God, they obeyed his commands. Why was their life embedded with the glass slivers of sorrow and blood drops of pain?  

Who’s to say that God will not take our sorrows and show the world His glory though them. That’s what it’s all about, right? His glory for the nations.

Why is that so hard to understand when everything we have is ripped away? We lose sight of the fact that we serve a God who’s greater then our little frame of time and we forget that something we’re going through now might not make sense until after we leave earth.

Matthew 5:45b “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

Deep, huh? I’m still chewing on it. The sorrows I face in life are worth it. The sufferings we experience are reminders that this is not our home. Does the suffering we experience make God any less worthy of our praise? Does sorrow make him less of a God? No…it makes us realise we need more of Him. We need him to exchange beauty for our ashes. to give us the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and to bestow on us a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair…even more so when there’s suffering. Even more do we need Him when there’s things we don’t understand.

broken cars and broken lives

{ January 21, 2009 @ 11:52 am } · { Christianity, Family, church, death, friends, life }
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Having a broken down car makes me pray a whole lot more. “Dear God, just let me get home. Dear God, you know what, just to a parking lot would be okay. Dear God, just to the side of the road, JUST TO THE SIDE…!!”

Why is it that I realize how much I need God so much more when I find myself in trouble? When life begins to burn and smoke starts coming from things I am so quick to come to him and beg Him to do what he does and BE GOD. When life is good I move through life just driving by opportunities to take a step of faith and trust Him more. I get content to just have him ready in case something happens (which kind of makes me sick to think about).

If you know me you’ll know one thing about me: I like to be independent. Growing up I was never allowed to, so in every area that I can be independent today, I want to be. This effects who I am with Christ and my spiritual walk too. I can recall to you countless times where I am just like “God, I want to do this by myself.” So He lets me and I start happily away at my independence and I get one step into it and go “crap….I guess I do need You.” The truth is I am fully dependent on Him, I can’t even breathe without Him. As soon as I stop fighting against Him and let Him do His thing I stand back and go….”God, that’s just awesome.” Why? Because I let Him be God. I let Him help me. I let Him work through me instead of trying to do things by my own power. Why do I always have to be so difficult? Why do I fight so hard?  It all comes down to a matter of pride. I want to do things. I want to be my own person. I. I. I. I. It’s not about me. It’s all about Him. It’s time for me to realize that I can’t do it by myself.

On another note: Last night it happened again. I was laying in bed thinking about the events of the day (the insecurities and fears of a new president, how I want to go to the March for life on Thursday but can’t, how everything is changing, how I’m going away to college) when all of a sudden I was overcome with reality. It slapped me so hard I could barely breathe. You know that feeling that your heart is just 1,000 lbs heavy? Yeah, that happened. I realized: I’m living. I’m breathing. History has happened, people have come on this earth, lived, and then died, and now I’m living. It’s my turn. This life is real. I don’t get a second chance. When it’s over, it’s over. So what in the world am I doing with my time? Why am I here? Where am I going? It’s so easy to get caught up in the drama of this life and swept away by it. From homework to friendships to family to transferring-I’ve had a lot of my mind, but what matters more is why I’m here. I’m here to glorify God and to increase His fame. How am I doing this? As I am constantly asking myself and my friends “If I were to die tonight and stand before God what would I say for my life.” “I’m sorry?” I don’t think so. I don’t want to waste my life. Life is such a blessing and such a gift, why do I forget that. We only get one chance and who knows how long we’ll have. How am I living in a way that glorifies God?

Just some things to think on. God’s good.

East Falls Church Metro Adventures!

{ June 4, 2008 @ 11:59 pm } · { Family, church, death, friends, life }
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Today it stormed. It stormed harder then it has in awhile. It felt like the heavens opened up. It wreaked havic on our area. There were a few tornadoes and everything. The metro system was a mess because one station had to close down. Because of that I got stuck at East Falls Church. It was a nightmare. They were bussing people from East Falls Church to West Falls Church, but I knew that I couldn’t go on the bus, because my Mom was just going to come and pick me up. People were nasty. They were yelling, and pushing other people out of the way. Then it happened. A group was sitting under the overpass when CRASH, the skies opened up and it started to rain. By this point I knew it waas hopeless to find a dry spot because the people in buisness suits were all pushing me out. I found the nearest tree (really great to stand under a tree during a storm, by the way!). I also found her. She was standing there as it started to drizzle, and as soon as the first thunder came, she started to wimper. I couldn’t believe it, a grown woman, maybe in her late 20’s, almost in tears. It got worse, the lightening came closer and closer. It hit SO CLOSE to where we were. It hurt every sense in your body. We ended up soaked to the bone. I was trying to distract her because she was obviously quite distraut. I found out she was from a place that the Youth Pastor I work with had been a missionary to. I asked her about the transition to America. I found out she was a student, we talked about college. I found out she worked at Starbucks. We talked about coffee. She didn’t have a phone, I knew it would cost me extra minutes, but I let her use mine. I was able to offer her my extra t-shirt, she turned it down, but atleast the offer was there. I felt like I was actually worth something standing there. I didn’t care if I got elecricuted, because I knew that God wanted me out in the rain. I’ll admit, I was freezing. The whole time God just filled my heart with incredible joy, until she left I was able to really keep upbeat. I do admit, by the end of the three hour journey, I was wiped out, cold, and pretty darn not happy-but God was just so faithful to me during the storm, it blew me away. I was able to be so calm, and chill. I was so confident that my life was held in the hands of the creator of the storm, it gave me such peace.

Once I got in the car, my Mom and I entered another storm. A REALLY BAD storm. There was just so much rain, we could not see. We just kept taking, and driving, and God brought me through the storm safely. When we reached home, we all breathed again, because it was really bad.

Then, I entered a different sort of storm, a more emotional one. As some of you know, my Grandma’s fighting for her life at INOVA Fair Oaks Hospital. It’s not looking so great. Tonight I went to visit her. As hard as it was to see her like that, I’m glad that I went. Everyonce and awhile she would respond. Maybe it’d just be a groan, but she was in there. At the end of the night I said “I love you Grandma” and she said “I love you too.” It was so cool, because I knew that was the way that God got ahold of me to let me know she’d be okay-no matter what the outcome.

I am home early today because Kaleo cafe (a small Youth Group function) was cancelled, we had no power at the church. I was really looking forward to it, but again, I felt a sort of peace about it.

All these times considered, some could say that my day really, really, really STUNK, but I am so glad that my daddy in heaven was able to open my eyes to glimpse a little of HIS perspective.

In memory of sweet Maria Chapman

{ May 22, 2008 @ 9:09 pm } · { Family, Music, death, life }
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Many of you have heard of the tragedy that fell on the family of Steven Curtis Chapman this week. For those of you who haven’t, Steven lost his youngest daughter, Maria, in a tragic accident. Steven’s son accidentally ran over her. I cannot imagine the devestation facing this young man. Each time, I place myself in his shoes, I am completely overwhelmed. Having two adopted little sisters I know the joy that they bring into my life, and I can’t imagine loosing either of them, let alone to have a horrible accident result in the responsibility of their death resting in my hands-the pain just consumes me. I’ve always been a softy, and pretty sensitive to others pains, but as I grapple with this one, I am just at a loss. My heart hurts for him.

All I can do is pray for this young man, and for his family. Each time I keep coming back to the injustice of it, or the pain of it, I stand humbled because I know that Maria is with Jesus. It still really stinks to be left without such a precious heart-and in such a terrible state of grief.

The family was getting ready to celebrate their oldest daughter’s engagement. One of their older sons had just graduated from High School, and now, they must bury Maria.

We can sit around and weep saying that “it’s not fair” and in reality-it really isn’t. We can try to cover our pain with words of sympathy-but our words do nothing to numb the pain. I am reminded of a song written by Stephen-before his daughters death. The words comfort, and haunt. As you go about your day today I ask you to remember the Chapman family, and the other families who are suffering the loss of a beloved daughter or son.

“This is not at all how
we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
we had so many dreams
And now you’ve gone away
and left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
and nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
the pain of losing you

We can cry with hope
we can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope
because we believe with hope
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again
We’ll see your face again

Never have I known
anything so hard to understand
Never have I questioned more
the wisdom of God’s plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
‘Cause now you’re home and now you’re free

We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again
We’ll see your face again

We have this hope like as an anchor
‘Cause we believe that everything God promised us is true

So we can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There’s a place
By God’s grace
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again .”

The Plunge

{ May 11, 2008 @ 11:16 pm } · { Christianity, Family, Poetry, church, college, death, friends, life }
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“Standing, looking towards the path I am to take, I tremble. Will I have strength enough to begin? Half of me is so ready, and half of me is not. I see the tree branches, the bricks, the stumbling blocks that liter the path and I am afraid. I am walking blind, alone. Everything grows dim as I take my first step. I thought it was supposed to become more clear, but it only grows dimmer. I feel so old. I’ve only been on this earth for nineteen years, but I guess age doesn’t really make you old, living does. I was born a fighter, but now I stand crippled. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to go to. I don’t know where I am, or what I’m doing. Fear paralyzes me. The few seconds that it takes ahold of me feels like an eternity. The path leads me to a great river. The Great Falls of life.

I am swept away in the waters of anxiety, drowning in the sea of uncertianty. Yet, I swim in a different current then thos around me. I swim with hope when I am hopeless. I swim with strength when I have none. I swim with an unseen hand, guiding me despite my blindness and my stubbern nature that fights against it. Many are the people in the riverwith me. They swim in the opposite away, being carried by the current. Drinking. Depression. Brokeness. It’s all around me. I swim away. Yes, my current is harder, yes, I feel so old, but I feel that I am on the verge of something.

When the hand leads me to the path above the Falls, I rise from the water for rest. He holds me, stabling my weak body and healing my wounds. Here I am, looking down at the Great Falls I have emerged from, the swirling waters benieth, about to jump in again. Foolish? Probibly. Out of my mind? Definetly. I could loose my life. The water slams against the rocks. I may have been blinded, but I am not deaf-I hear how loud the water is, but I hear something else as well. I hear the screams from those around me. Screams of panic as they are swept away. My heart is swept away with them for a moment. I go where they are going and my heart is filled with terror. It’s the path I emerged from years ago, and the path that leads to death. For the moment they were fulfilled, then tears begin to flow from them, filling the river, as night encloses on them. My heart aches, and my Father steadies me. “Not yet, child-wait on me.” So I do. I wait until I am ready. I grow restless. Finally, it is time. I kiss what I love goodbye, and prepare myself. I stand on the path, looking down at the Falls. This is the moment I’ve been prepared for.

One. Two. Three. I grab onto the hand who has NEVER let me go. I am blind to everything else, but all I see is His hand.I Close my eyes. Take a last breath, then I take the plunge. I am falling. Faster. Faster. Faster. The water is cold. The breath is knocked out of me. I sink deeper and deeper into the water. Life draines from me from the impact. I am drowning, but every time I think I breathe my last, He becomes enough for me. Not for the whole day, no, only for a moment, but it’s there, moment by moment. My lifeline. I emerge from the waters, and start swimming against the current. I don’t know where I am going, but I am no longer afraid.

You say there’s no one with me, but I know the truth, the truth that I am not alone.”

The Plunge ©Joy 2008

It’s been three years

{ April 26, 2008 @ 3:17 pm } · { Family, college, death, friends, life }
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There’s a lot of things in life that I don’t understand. Janet’s death is one of them. One Spring morning to this date, 3 years ago, my co-worker’s daughter, Janet, was murdered. Her death remains a mystery, one that she took with her to the grave. Who killed her? It’ not official, but pretty much everyone knows. Janet left a young son, and when she died, the baby inside of her died too. Janet didn’t know Jesus.

Janet’s death shook me. Speaking with my co-worker, you could tangibly feel the hurt radiating from her, and pain she was experiencing overwhelmed me. She was Mormon, and clung to her faith through the times after Janet’s death. Her faith let her down.

NC wanted did a series on Janet’s death. (Viewer Discretion advised-know what you’re watching IS about a murder, and it IS real, and it IS haunting). Webslooths set up their own page for Janet. Theory and theory has been tossed around, but the truth of the matter is that this is real. This hurts, and no matter what happens, Janet’s death can never be avenged. We know that. So why do I talk about it? It’s real. Janet didn’t wake up on April 26 expecting to be murdered. Death comes to everyone. You don’t know when it’ll happen to you. What will you remembered by? What will your legacy be?

Janet changed my life. Why? She made me realize that I cannot take my life for granted. It is a gift that can be taken away.

 

 

 

 

 

Virginia Tech-One Year Later

{ April 16, 2008 @ 7:25 pm } · { Poetry, college, death }
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It’s April 16, and it seems like everyone has forgotten. I saw a few of us today. Orange and maroon t-shirts, some with hats, some with pants. We remembered. I listen to the news today. It’s all about the Popes visit. Who cares about the pope? Oh, I guess the 45,000 who came to Washington DC see him tomorrow. I’d like to ask a few questions of the Pope myself. Like since he’s so close to God and all……why did April 16 happen? Of course, I know the answer. We have free will, and we are a fallen nation-and it is NOTHING that God DID (we all know we deserve more suffering then we get), but since the Pope thinks he’s so close to God, I’d like to here his answer.

A year ago today one of the worst massacres in college History occurred. Why does it bother me so much? I cannot escape remembering. Every day of the week I pass by a small memorial to one of the victims. A flag, flowers, pictures, and stuffed animals are strewn on a fence. This is to remember Mary Read, who died in her Frech class. Mary was also a sister, a sister in Christ. I found in reading her bios this year that I relate to her a lot. She used to wear flip flops around all the time, just like me. She loved Jesus, just like me. She loved kids, just like me. She won a “best smile” award, just like me. She was 19 years old, just like me.

I remember when I head about the Tech shootings. I had just gone to school, but at that point, they only had reported 2 deaths. A few friends came in a few hours later and told us that their was around 20 reported deaths, and many injuries. I have several close friends at Tech, so to be honest, I was pretty scared. When I heard reports that all my friends were safe, I breathed again. Then, it hit me. A 33 other sets of parents wern’t breathing again.

We can place blame on anyone we want to. We can force cameras in the faces of Cho’s family and friends, pressuring them, calling them names, and it won’t help. I’m not even entirely sure Cho is 100% to blame. Blame isn’t the issue, the past cannot be changed, history cannot be rewritten.

In Cho’s manifesto he said that “thanks to you, I die like Jesus Christ, to inspire generations of the weak and defenseless people…. You had a hundred billion chances and ways to have avoided today but you decided to spill my blood. You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option. The decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that will never wash off.”

Chilling words from a haunted man. Virginia Tech is real, and so is the hurt and torture that Cho faced. So, the question lingers, what can we do to prevent this from happening again? We can’t. It probably will happen again, sadly.

What could have saved Cho? The love of Jesus in human flesh. Who has the potentialto do something like Him? We all do. The only reason we don’t is because of the grace of God. Why must we then remain silent? Sure, actions speak louder then words, but what are we doing to help others who are suffering in the same way that Cho was? Help for the hurting. Peace for the anxious, grace for the condemned, forgiveness….even for killers.

Mary Read wrote a quote in her journal before she was shot that summed this up.

“When a deep injury is done us, we will never recover until we forgive,”

That’s a lot easier to write, then live, granted. We need to be more like her.

I want to leave you with a poem I wrote last year. It was published in my school’s yearbook.

“Forgiveness-Virginia Tech”

Images flash upon my screen,
The faces, never again to be seen,
Robbed of life at such an early age,
It is easy for me to feel such rage.
I look at the picture of a man,
Hatred etched in his face,
You can’t erase,
the hurt in his eyes,
he faked a disguise.
What could have been done?
Away from it I cannot run.
How could he have been stopped?
To my knees I drop.
The stories resonate in my head,
Devastation, I feel the dread,
I look for hope in this time,
Knowing that I cannot rewind,
I find peace in God above,
And with Him, I forgive, with love.

 

 

 

 

Funnel

{ April 7, 2008 @ 9:34 pm } · { Family, college, death, friends, life }
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I must decrease so that HE can increase.

 

I forget where I first heard this quote, but I must admit, it never really hit me until recently. Our culture is so greatness oriented. We desire to be the greatest, we all want to be applauded, and included. We want to be GREAT, but perhaps as a Christian our call is not greatness. As a Christian our call is to become less.

 

We must amplify Christ in every area of our life. We must become a loud speaker to the grace and love of Jesus Christ. We must not lower our standards to fit in, we must not let the name of Jesus be used casually and mocked. We must STAND UP for hypocrisy and the deadness in our churches. Why? Because it’s what Jesus did.

 

W.W.J.D. is such an overused phrase. What would Jesus do? The question is not really What Would Jesus Do, the question is What are YOU going to do with Jesus?

 

Has Jesus just become another nice keychain? Do you “show him off” to your friends as a separate entity of your life? Jesus should be YOUR EVERYTHING, not just an addition.

 

You must become so consumed by Him that every ounce of yourself is funneled out. You must become a servant to become great, you must die to live, you must lay down your life….

 

When people look at you do they see YOU or do they see the radiance of Christ Jesus living inside of You.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not about condemning and killing yourself physically, it’s about shifting focuses and living for Christ and Him alone.

 

May you live every moment for His renown and His glory.

 

The Reality of Judgment

{ March 14, 2008 @ 8:40 pm } · { Family, church, death, friends, life, videos }
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Put to death….

{ January 17, 2008 @ 9:33 am } · { Music, church, college, death, friends, life }
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I keep getting ready to write this awesome post, or this amazing poem….then I realize that it has already been written. I keep wanting to say these phenominal things, but when I actually go to write, it sounds more like a two year old or a chipmunk. Just a bunch of jibberjabber and squeaks. There’s so much that I wonder about life. So many questions….then comes the silence. I’ve learned to embrase it. I’m much happier driving in the car with nothing playing. Occationally when I feel tired, and don’t want to fall asleep at the wheel I’ll listen to something, but other then that I like to hear the sounds of the cars wizzing by me :) .

I like to count my steps as I walk from my parking place to school. Today I parked further then I ever have before. About 1/2 way I lost count around 130 steps or something like that. Not to mention I had yet to climb the termendous stairway up the hill. Just stuff that lets me think, and count, and question. To keep my mind busy. Even if I’m silent, my mind is always moving. I can’t make it stop. Oh blessed ADD.

After school I look online at a few sites, and then head over to GodTube to look up my new favorite CHRISTian comedian. A post catches my eye, so I click on it. As I watch….my thoughts race. When it ends. Silence. My body is silent, my house is silent (the girls are away) and even my brain is silent.

The movie I attached below. The ending Bible verse (you can’t really see it, but it sites Colossians 3:5.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.”

Just what I’ve been thinking lately, summed up in one short 4 minute video. Wow.

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