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the depths of which you love, you will hurt

I had the great opportunity to sit under the teaching of Beth Moore this Sunday. Okay, it was via a projector and DVD, but nevertheless, it was Beth Moore. I’m not normally a Beth Moore fan, and I don’t normally go to the Beth Moore Bible study at my church since I’ve been living in a different county then my home church and working on Sundays (at a different church). DVD series’ tend to be a challenge for me anyway just because I am A.D.D. and can’t focus, but I try not to use that excuse anymore. I decided to go to Sunday School this week thanks to the encouragement of one of my big sisters, Mandy, and because I knew my other awesome friend Candi would be there because she leads it! I figured what the heck…why not eh? It’ll be fun I’m sure.

Sheesh-I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Talk about some heavy topics. The topic was on “Intensive Care” and Beth Moore talked about living in God’s intensive care unit. I’m really bad at summarizing, and I didn’t take any notes in class due to my lame excuse of not having a pen and feeling bad about asking for one, but this is what I got about God’s intensive care:

1. It’s a place where only you can go, a place where you go where you want your friends the most and they are not there for you. 

2. It’s place you go when you’re totally overwhelmed with specific sorrows and all you can think about is a specific pain that brings you there (it’s literally encircling you around your head and no matter where you turn you can’t get free from it). It doesn’t have to be a “big” thing in our society’s perspective or even our Christian circle’s perspective, but if it’s enough to consume you, then it’s enough to put you in intensive care.

3. Sometimes when you go there, your situation does not change. The cup does not pass from you and whatever sorrow brought you there in the first place does not get resolved.

BUT…

It’s there that we can be real with God. We can throw ourselves at the feet of God and literally kick and scream and ask “why” as much as we need-He won’t leave us there because our anger is “too much.” I admit, this is a new concept for me. I’ll question, sure-and I’ll be mad, yes, but I don’t dare show it physically. I was raised in a household that told me very clearly that we do not show anger-so I don’t. It doesn’t turn out well when I’ve faced tremendous grief (I think of one fall in specific where I wish I would have grieved better because years later I’m still dealing with it) with a lot of anger and I’ve just tried to ignore it. But God isn’t afraid of our (my) fits. He isn’t afraid of our screams, and in fact, by emptying ourselves of the negative emotions so many of us bottle and hide, we allow Him to fill us more with His spirit and joy. Asking “why” does not mean we doubt God. Asking “why” shows us that we’re hurting and we need Him now more then ever.

One line keeps sticking out to me from Beth’s message:

“To the depth of which you love, you will hurt.”

SO true for my life. I spent the night (I can’t sleep, in case you can’t tell) journaling the depth of some of my loves and losses (the more recent ones), and it’s been such a great time for me. I’m starting to be okay with the fact that I hurt and be okay with the fact that I lost some people that I dearly love and I am still grieving from those losses. My friends can’t help me, I have to face this on my own with God.  This whole summer God’s been at me regarding that, regarding the fact that I hurt, just like Him, I’ve lost, just like Him, and He wept when He suffered various losses, so why do I hold up the expectation to myself that I will not weep? He’s been giving me time alone with no one else beside me to make me understand that He is strong enough to hold me.

At the same time he’s helping me realize that I am surrounded by people who love and support me and want to help me through processing my loss if I’ll trust them enough to let them in. Even as I prepare to leave the circle of friends and support that I have here in Virginia (I move in 5 days), I won’t be away from the community of Christ. My challenge now is trusting from the start. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to trust, but as much as I am open to the help of others, God may just use some people to speak into my life in an amazing way.

I don’t know if this made much sense. It’s late, and my thoughts are kind of jumbled, but I want you to know that if you’re going through loss that you’re not alone. I want you to know that God can handle your questions, your anger, and your pain. I want you to know that He’s big enough to take all of your frustrations, and you don’t have to walk that path alone. Even if God’s calling you to intensive care where no one else can go but you know that you are being held by the prayers of the saints for you. I’ll say it again, you are not alone.

Portrait

I draw my inspiration for this poem from the broken stories I have heard this summer, the broken stories on my campus that I carry with me and the brokenness in my own life. If you know me well enough, maybe you will recognize some stories, or maybe you can relate to bits and pieces of a verse. I promise you, you’re not suffering in vain, your stories will not remain untold, and your hurt has never been unnoticed. If your reading this and your hurting, always remember that someone cares and you are loved-never give up.

“Portraits”
The hurt comes back to haunt my dreams,
I kneel so stifled by my silent screams,
You rise-slowely punching the life out of me,
I rise-I stand so still praying no one sees.

Terror in the night I awake,
not a noise will I ever make.
I don’t even call for you,
Because I know there’s nothing you can do.

A black eye for a blackened heart
you swore you would never depart
an open door and packed bags you left
and you wonder why I speak your name less.

Crippled anger, wounds that never heal,
fallen away from what I hold dear.
Searching for something-anything to satisfy,
I walk this desert land so dry.

Constant nagging, requiring perfection,
breaking your set direction,
Call me a rebal if you choose,
In the end it’s me you lose.

Have I lost my mind?
I search for nothing to find,
why does this come as no surprise?
It’s killing me inside.

A crippled life and crushed dreams,
There’s more then meets the eye it seems.
but today I let it all go,
and traded in my sorrow.

A frantic call in the night,
I pull out my car in a state of fright.
The stars have never seemed so near,
and the night has never been so clear.

A hospital bed and a dying breath,
without a goodbye you must be left.
Push away the sorrow, push away the tears,
and count down the many years.

A child is too young to leave the place they call home,
but now we have found ourselves again alone.
The laughter and the tears echo in our minds,
If only we could stop, and rewind.

In the middle of this mess,
I’m finding you’re all I have left.
In the midst of my weakness,
it’s my brokenness you bless.

Sinners in the Hand of an Angry God

English 241. Survey of American Lit class. Just a bunch of your average secular college students, a  couple of Christians thrown into the mix. Our assignment? To read “Sinners in the Hand of an Angry God” by Jonathan Edwards. Have you read it? It’s….powerful. People don’t like to talk about hell. People don’t like to think about it. In writing this post, I’m probably not going to be liked, but I’ll write it anyway.

To summarize it, it comes down to the fact that Edwards says that we are like spiders in the hand of God and he is dangling us over the fire of hell. There is nothing keeping us from the wrath of God except for himself. He is literally holding himself back from releasing His vengeance on us, and destroying us. Edwards says we were born with these “seeds” of sin inside of us, and that alone is enough to condemn us to hell. Although Edwards maybe considered a little “too extreme” and perhaps he was, I think he is right in a lot of areas that we need to recognize again in the 21st century. We’ve forgotten a lot about the character of God that we need to come back to. We focus so much on the love of God that we forget the wrath that He saved us from.

God has every right to blow us out like an overused birthday candle. He has every right to let us go and watch us fall into the pit of hell. He has every right to push us off the slippery slope of this thing we call life. We have done NOTHING that amounts to anything in His books. We have done nothing to deserve His favor or grace. Is our religion really just a “get out of hell free” card like many of us seem to make it be? Why are so many of us living lives of sin apart from God but claiming to know what he freed us from? Is living life contrary to Christ once you really know Him even possible? Do you even understand the sacrifice Christ has made for us? I don’t think I do.

 God had NO REASON to send Jesus to the cross. No reason. You say “It’s because of His love”  that He died for us, yes, that is true, but what motivated his love? What made Him love when we had done nothing but broken His heart? “Oh, but-He loved us.” You say. YES, He did, but WHY? Why did He have mercy on us? Why did He have grace? We’ve done nothing to deserve Him but we walk around pretending that we have.

America we need to get on our knees and beg for Christ. The sacrifice has been paid in full, but we must continue to “work out our salvation with fear and trembling.” Am I implying that salvation is on basis of works? Absolutely not!!!!! Am I saying that if you are truly marked by the spirit of Christ that you can lose your salvation? No, not at all. I am saying that we’ve taken advantage of the salvation of our Lord for far too long. We need to become broken in the arms of Christ and remember what he delivered us from. “When was the last time you wept over your sins?” as Paul Washer loves to ask. Well, when was it? When was the last time you became completely broken before God realising what a dreadful person you are and how much you don’t deserve Him. We take advantage of God. We take Him for granted. Repentance. Remembrances. Let us remember how much we need our Lord. How without Him we’d be destined for Hell. Let hell become real to you so that Christ’s saving power can become more real to you. God CRUSHED His son. He destroyed Him in order to save YOU.

View His love in the context of His justice. View His grace in the context of His mercy. Oh how great is His love for us that He would send His son to die a terrible death for a sinner like me. Brokenness has never been so sweet as when you realize your need for a savior. Let’s remember who He is. Just exist before Him with the knowledge of what He’s done for You. Let it change your life.

Thoughts on life

The cars around me fade away. I get lost in my thoughts, lost and I’m still breathing. I can feel my heartbeat in my chest and it echos into my ears. Beat. Beat. Beat. The rhythum of my pulse reminds me that I am living. I am breathing. I am alive. Thoughts push and invade into my mind-some bardge in unwelcome and uninvited but I stop fighting against them to think of things bigger then myself. I drive on thinking about heaven, eternity, and life itself. I look at the people around me, the people walking down the street, the people in the car next to me. They’re alive too. They’re not only alive, but they’re alive with me….why?

The questions start-how can I be alive today? Why am I alive now instead of in days past or days to come? What is it like to be fully alive and why can’t I reach it now? I don’t think I’ll ever be fully alive on earth so why am I here? Why am I here right now? Why am I here with the people that I am here with now? Am I making a difference? Am I making enough of a difference? Why do some people who want to live die young and some people who want to die live for 90 years.

Questions never leave me alone when I drive in my car. I question everything and everyone. It’s my space to think, my space to exsist. Kind of dangerous, yes, but I need to ask the questions I do.

This life is so real. The fact that I’m living is so absolute. Life is not a joke, so what am I doing with the time I’ve been given?

If I’m going to really live I need to let go of the people who’ve hurt me. I need to let go of my fear of abandonment and fear in itself. It’s time to let go of my past and the haunting feeling I can’t seem to shake. “What if?” is not the question. “What now?” is…what am I doing with the time that I’ve been given? I’ve made mistakes in my past, but what am I doing today to increase God’s glory. Each day is a new day. Each moment a new chance.

I don’t know how to say this to make you realize that your life is precious. God designed you to be here (wherever here is for you). We’re co-existing for a reason. You’re on my blog for a reason. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to take another breath for granted. You are loved despite the mistakes you’ve made. Get up and start again, together lets fight to change the world maybe one last time. You are loved. God has a purpose and a plan for you. Why are these simple concepts so hard to remember and accept sometimes? It’s all about Him. It’s all about His glory. Yes, I am living, and yes, I am breathing and yes, I am totally His.

Let Me Love You More

One of my favorite worship artists (outside of Charlie Hall, Brooke Fraser and Matt Redman) is Misty Edwards. In music there’s nothing I love more then raw lyrics. If there’s one word that describes Misty’s music it’s raw. So I’m sitting here in frontof this computer screen when I get the urging to listen to some of her music. I bring it up on my friend Mr. Computer and she begins to sing. You know those times where you’re just like "wait…what?" Well, that happened. I swear, I’ve listened to Misty 2,000 times and every time it just hits me at a different dimension. I’ll admit. Then I go and listen to this song:

I’m in love with a Man I’m in love with a Stranger
I’m in love with my Maker whom I have never seen
I’m in love with the Lamb I’m in love with the Lion
I’m in love with my Savior whom I have yet to know

O won’t You let me love You more, this is all that I desire
Won’t You let me love You more this is all that I require
Won’t You let me love You more this is my deepest heart’s desire
Won’t You let me love You more still more and more

You could give to me the gift of walking on water
maybe I will raise the dead
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love
If I never walk on water if I never see the miracles
if I never hear your voice so loud
Just knowing that You love me is enough to keep me here
Just hearing those words is enough is enough to satisfy
You do You do You satisfy I couldn’t leave even if a tried
I must have You I must have You

When it’s been said and when it’s all been done
When the race is run it all comes to love

 

I know nothing about love. I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it’s like to fall in love….but I do when it comes to Christ. Last semester I feel in love with Christ head over heels. He consumed every moment and it was utterly amazing. He was who I ran to, and trusted in. He was my thoughts, and my breath. I knew I could not do it without Him. Why? I spent time with Him. Every waking moment practically. When I wasn’t playing worship music I was listening to sermons. When I wasn’t listening to sermons I was in the word. When I wasn’t in the word I was praying. I need to become like that again. I need to let Him romance, and consume me. The way I show my love is through quality time. That is my love language. I don’t care what we do, I just want to be with the people that I care about (okay, and even those I don’t…I’m just a people person!). God wants the same. He wants to be around me. He wants to be the one I run to. I never really thought about the idea that God is jealous of me. He’s jealous when I run to my best friends instead of Him when an issue arises in life (not to say that I shouldn’t go to my Godly friends, I should, but He should be the first I run to!). I want to fall in love with God again. Nothing is holding me back. Nothing is getting in my way. I want to be able to say that He is all I live for.

Can we say that our deepest desire is to know Christ and to love Him more? Is knowing that He loves me enough even if we are never to hear His voice? If not, why isn’t it?…..

Just some things to think about.

Waterdrops and Throns

I need water.

I love water. There’s something about it. Since I was a child it has been my comfort. The shower, the ocean, the pool, a river, or pond, or lake- anything with water is my favorite place to be. You see, water refreshes. It holds. It hides tears and brokenness. You can outswim any sorrows. You can beat it, and it won’t hurt anything. You can do anything to it, and it’ll be okay. Water quenches thirst. Water surrounds.

Yesterday it rained. It rained all day long. It rained, and rained, and rained. Something inside of me just wanted to walk in the rain. Just wanted to be in the rain, to feel it, to taste it, to be surrounded by it. So I did. I walked out the door, and into the rain. Rain is the full sensory experience. You can taste, see, smell, hear and feel it. It envelops and surrounds you. You cannot outrun it if it stands over you. Many times we curse the rain, but many times we bless it. As I was on my walk I was overcome with emotion. See, I’ve been reading a lot about letting God romance me, and I figured out rain romances me. It awakens all my senses and lets me thrive. 

As I was walking back from some time with my creator I was filled with this incredible joy and peace. I knew that I had encountered God’s heart while I stood for hours looking at the water falling on a small lake by our house. Throughout the time I was free to just sing praises unashamed because I knew no one could hear me. I was free to dance because I knew no one would see me. I was free to be who I wanted to be because there was only one person who was with me, the Lord Jesus. It wasn’t all fun and games. He did a lot of work on my heart while I was there. It’s exausting, but it’s refreshing. I took the time to enjoy Him, to let Him move in my heart. To take the raindrops that had beaded up on the thorns run onto my finger, to touch the water in the lake and feel the coldness of it, to just be free.

Walking back I heard the sound of running water. The sound of water dripping from anywhere, rushing from anywhere brings this feeling of security to me, it awakens me. As I took the time to look closer as to where the sound was coming from I saw that it was from a waterfall of water gushing into this storage drain. The water was gushing down the hill and running into this drain-the water was far from beautiful, far from romantic, it was just another county storage drain water. The water that was running down the drain was not pretty-no, infact it was muddy. It was full of filth and junk. Despite the fact that the water itself could do no one any help, it was making one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve heard in a long time. Then it hit me. This is my life. No matter what I do I cannot seem to do enough right. I always mess up. I become muddy again. I poison the pure water that I have been given and yet God takes this crappy water and He purifies it, and the process sounds to Him as beautiful. Nothing of the sound of it becoming beautiful has anything to do with what I can do. Everything is about Him making what little I do offer into something that is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ alone.

waterdrops from branches of thorns,
reminding me of the grace that adorns,
human suffering and pain,
that won’t leave us the same.
You take my feeble offerings,
all that is within me sings,
I have nothing to offer,
nothing in my coffer.
brokeness, and mystery,
all of you is less of me,
broken becomes my best friend,
Your grace I can not comprehend.
Rain, so much rain, bringing water to the land,
in this mud and mire I can no longer stand,
You restore me and bring me back,
with Your love you attack.
You blow me away,
without words to say,
You leave me breathless in the cold,
nothing unsaid, nothing untold.
Your beauty mapped out for me,
I can bearly stand to see,
Fall to my face,
for your grace.
Surround everything inside this heart,
please, never depart,
I cling to your feet,
I refuse to take a seat.
I stand before your throne,
In You I am never alone.
You wrap Your arm around my shoulder,
removing what I used to see as my bolder,
Throwing it off with ease,
You’ve captured me.
My King, I fall to my knees,
to the one who sees,
Fall to my face,
And get lost in this place.

Bleeding the Need

What do you do when the need is so great?
every ones life is always so fake,
We walk around our world without a care,
no one sees, because no ones there.
Failing health and a failing heart,
a life torn apart.
Sitting silently,
Pleading for a hand like me.
To come and visit, won’t you come please,
off your feet and on your knees.
but here I sit at this staring at the computer screen,
Finding that I’m really too scared to take the leap.
I’m terrified once I’m there emotions will consume me,
So I stay breathlessly waiting, glued to my seat.
what’s in this world, what’s there to be?
Images abound and surround, suffocating me.
A family and no food,
a friend in an angry mood.
Hurting homeless,
thousands of mistresses.
prostitutes, slaves, drug dealers
all of these false healers.
I see age, sorrow, pain and death,
everything else, all the rest.
Suffering has no favorite,
so here I silently sit,
angry, frustrated and disappointed in myself,
and all of this empty wealth.
I have so much, yet desire so much more,
All I am in yours.
I have no limit, and nothing holding me back,
but a burning sense of injustice about to attack.
swelling up inside my heart,
waiting to depart.
Watch out, when it takes control,
my feelings might just overflow.
Fight for the ones without a voice,
the ones trapped, with no choice.
I’m burning on the inside,
I can no longer hide.
I am only one,
I cannot run.
I’m one with a mission,
I refuse to go missing.
This time the needs to great,
my heart continues to break.

 

I wrote this poem after a conversation with my friend Jon that had me really angry. I am SICK and TIRED of doing nothing, and watching society around me fail to care for the needs of people in our own backyards. I’m SO frustrated that no one makes effort anymore to see past themselves. We call ourselves Christians and we sit on Sunday nights shoving our faces with food laughing away when their are people across the street suffering to pay for enough beans and rice for everyone.  What will it take for us to WAKE UP and DO SOMETHING? We sit through sermon after sermon about doing good things for people. We hear of needs around us and we go “oh if only I could help but “I’m too (fill in the blank).” Do you REALIZE that tomorrow we could all be dead? Do you understand what that means? When you get to heaven and Christ calls you to account for your life what will you say, huh? What will you say? “I’m sorry?” I’m sorry doesn’t cut it. You know, people say when I get to heaven I’m going to ask God why there’s so much hunger and suffering and I want to see what he’ll say. I once heard a preacher respond with something that blew me away. He said: we’re going to ask that question and God is going to look us in the eye and say: I was going to ask you that too.” Why is there so much suffering? because we don’t DO anything about it. We wait for the calling we want to “hear” the voice of God before we move, but what if God wants us to see a need and do something about it, isn’t that the calling in itself??? I am ashamed of us. I am ashamed of myself. I’ve failed ten times more then you I’m sure. That is no excuse for today though. We’ve all failed. We’ve all screwed up. We’ve compromised our witness, we’ve broken the heart of God, we’ve set our-self as an idol before Him, and maybe we apologize but we don’t truly repent. How do I know that? because our world is not changing. Forget the past though, now is the time to repent, and you know what repentance does? It changes its ways. Each day is a new chance. Each day a new 24 hours to cram kindness and hope into or waste on selfish desires. Now is the time to rise up. My Youth Pastor always used to pray that “God would use this generation to change the world one last time.” What if my generation ends and I refuse to change the world? but what if I was to live my life in a way that at the end of it I fell down utterly breathless at the throne of God having completely wasted my life on Him. What if all of the followers of Christ rose up and started a revolution, a revolution of love. Don’t you dare tell me I can’t, because I won’t believe you. Don’t you dare squelch my dreams because they were given to me by my creator. I’ll admit to it, I’ve failed, we failed last year…but this year is a new year. Dream big, and let’s go move mountians. It may start as “little” things like giving blood or collecting tuna, but we can’t waste another day. This year is our year and there’s no limit on what we can’t do when we serve the Lord Jesus.

I’ll admit, I’m not a fan of politics!

Politics, I’m not a fan of them, but yesterday I was interested. History was being made either way, and for the first time, I felt as though I had a say in it. I exercised my right, and I voted, and it felt great. How awesome is it to live in a place with such freedom that we can vote for whomever we want, without fear of punishment or being thrown in jail. Today though, I felt as though the whole nation was on a hangover. People were either extremely happy, or extremely snappy! I am so tired of hearing people complain about the results, I’ll admit, I at first was concerned, but then I stumbled on these verses.

Romans 13: 1-7

Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God’s servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God’s servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.

It’s very clear here, we are to respect those placed in Authority over us. Most of all today and in the days that follow we need to be praying for our nation, and for our leaders (both old, and new). Regardless of if we “like” or “don’t like” them, they are in authority over us, and God has established them there. Now more then ever I think we need to have a call to prayer, a call for the unborn, a call for the hurting, a call for the broken, and a call for the rich, and powerful.

Off to Hawaii I go!

I will be gone for one week, just to let everyone know. Why? I’ll be on a Choir Tour Missions Trip with the Youth Group I’m Interning. We’re going to Hawaii. Now before you scoff and write us off as wasting our money and being “just another Youth Group” WE DO have a mission. See, we’re partnering with a Church plant called “The Gathering”-and with “Samaritans Feet.” Why Hawaii? Sadly, what is often viewed as a tropical paradise for many is ahell. I have not visited Hawaii yet, but from the reports I’m hearing there comes a place in the island where the “rich” area is separated by  a row of tents full of homeless people. We’re going to wash their feet and share with them the love of Jesus, in a tangible way. We WILL be taking two days to do the touristy thing, but overall, our mission is not to enjoy the beaches, or tour around, we have a greater calling in store. I’m looking forward to the trip. I’m looking forward to getting to know the students more, and learn more about them. Most of all, I’m looking forward to being a part of the greater mission God has called me to. If you think about me over the next 8 days (until July 1st) I’d covet your prayers. It won’t be all fun and games. I’m ready to see what God does. May HIS name be glorified over anything else! Even Hawaiians need the love of Jesus, and people to show it to them.

Passion World Tour:Kampala!!

There a half a world away, but today the distance is released, and hearts meet in the middle. We spent over 30 minutes praying for them. We raised money for them.We prayed for them, We checked for updates, and did I mention we prayed?

Kampala Uganda-it’s their turn to rock. Their turn to praise their father.

God is bringing Louie Giglio, through Passion to Kampala.

So many times we talk about being in “God’s family” This has never been as real to me as it is now. We are ONE. One body, one love. I am reminded of a moment at Passion this year where I looked around at the group of fellow college students-and was just completely overwehlmed that these people were my family, and I didn’t even know them. I shared moments with them that I’ve never experienced with even my own family. I won’t be forgetting those moments anytime soon. I know that the people in Kampala are being impacted the same way that I was.

As we sang “God of the City” I was reminded of all the cities Passion was going to-which are all God’s anyway. Yes, Kampala, your city belongs to God.

Remember Kampala in your prayers.

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