Archive for adoption

Portrait

{ July 23, 2009 @ 11:12 pm } · { Christianity, Poetry, adoption, church, college, friends, life }
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I draw my inspiration for this poem from the broken stories I have heard this summer, the broken stories on my campus that I carry with me and the brokenness in my own life. If you know me well enough, maybe you will recognize some stories, or maybe you can relate to bits and pieces of a verse. I promise you, you’re not suffering in vain, your stories will not remain untold, and your hurt has never been unnoticed. If your reading this and your hurting, always remember that someone cares and you are loved-never give up.

“Portraits”
The hurt comes back to haunt my dreams,
I kneel so stifled by my silent screams,
You rise-slowely punching the life out of me,
I rise-I stand so still praying no one sees.

Terror in the night I awake,
not a noise will I ever make.
I don’t even call for you,
Because I know there’s nothing you can do.

A black eye for a blackened heart
you swore you would never depart
an open door and packed bags you left
and you wonder why I speak your name less.

Crippled anger, wounds that never heal,
fallen away from what I hold dear.
Searching for something-anything to satisfy,
I walk this desert land so dry.

Constant nagging, requiring perfection,
breaking your set direction,
Call me a rebal if you choose,
In the end it’s me you lose.

Have I lost my mind?
I search for nothing to find,
why does this come as no surprise?
It’s killing me inside.

A crippled life and crushed dreams,
There’s more then meets the eye it seems.
but today I let it all go,
and traded in my sorrow.

A frantic call in the night,
I pull out my car in a state of fright.
The stars have never seemed so near,
and the night has never been so clear.

A hospital bed and a dying breath,
without a goodbye you must be left.
Push away the sorrow, push away the tears,
and count down the many years.

A child is too young to leave the place they call home,
but now we have found ourselves again alone.
The laughter and the tears echo in our minds,
If only we could stop, and rewind.

In the middle of this mess,
I’m finding you’re all I have left.
In the midst of my weakness,
it’s my brokenness you bless.

Why God?

{ February 11, 2009 @ 11:05 pm } · { Christianity, Family, adoption, church, death, friends, life }
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  • A person who murdered a pregnant mother runs around free while somewhere in a prison only a few hours away lies a man in jail for a murder he did not commit.
  • A husband leaves a woman who is living out her walk with Christ and is fully devoted and commited to Him. She compound fractures her arm-needing surgery. It leaves her unable to drive, unable to cook and unable to hold her children. She is in pain. Not only that but her husbands oldest daughter dies of cancer at the age of 18 all in 2 weeks-Oh, and did we mention she has 5 kids the oldest being in 5th grade and two children under the age of 3?
  • A man who was in love with his teenage girlfriend gets locked up while another guy rapes a friend of mine and goes free. Different men come and buy sex slaves for one night stands and then walk away.
  • Two years pouring our lives into an adoption that is stopped by a heartless judge and a family who broke the rules.
  • Someone pulls a gun on someone elses son-crushing the families hopes and taking away what was a gift to them.
  • An amazing, young student of mine suffers from a disease no one should have to face. A disease that causes great pain, and danger to their life.
  • Physical and mental problems are one of the only constants in life.

There are countless stories of injustices that I have observed even just within this past month. Everyone has a story of a situation where they did not understand a horrendous sorrow that happened in someones life. If you don’t then you really are blessed! My heart is wrenched out of me and my breath taken away sometimes when I really stop and think about how unfair it is that some things happen to some people. So often does my heart cry out: “it’s so unfair God!”

Unfair? Who am I to say what is fair and just in the eyes of God? God breaks who he needs to break and mends who He needs to mend. His plan is so much bigger then I can see. As Christians we are not exempt from troubles-infact we are called to embrase them. Look at all the Christians in the Bible whom we hold and esteem as people to follow. Paul, Job, the disciples, JESUS….suffering doesn’t even come close to describe what they went through. Agony-sorrow-pain so beyond our imagination followed them. Things that should happen to no one happened to them. They followed God, they obeyed his commands. Why was their life embedded with the glass slivers of sorrow and blood drops of pain?  

Who’s to say that God will not take our sorrows and show the world His glory though them. That’s what it’s all about, right? His glory for the nations.

Why is that so hard to understand when everything we have is ripped away? We lose sight of the fact that we serve a God who’s greater then our little frame of time and we forget that something we’re going through now might not make sense until after we leave earth.

Matthew 5:45b “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

Deep, huh? I’m still chewing on it. The sorrows I face in life are worth it. The sufferings we experience are reminders that this is not our home. Does the suffering we experience make God any less worthy of our praise? Does sorrow make him less of a God? No…it makes us realise we need more of Him. We need him to exchange beauty for our ashes. to give us the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and to bestow on us a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair…even more so when there’s suffering. Even more do we need Him when there’s things we don’t understand.

The sisters I were supposed to have….

{ March 29, 2008 @ 10:51 pm } · { Family, Pictures, adoption, life }
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You know those hurts in your life that cling onto you? Those thorns in your flesh that will NOT let you go, no matter how hard you want to rid yourself of them. The thorns that you thought you had dealt with, but come back to bite you again, and again, and again.

Today I struggle with one of those thorns. The thorn of longing.

A year ago we ended the process of adopting two girls, a process that had gone on for three years. The case was closed because they had been placed with a Russian family. It didn’t matter that we had submitted thousands of documents, spent thousands of dollars, traveled once to Russia, and had met the girls here in America for 4 days. It didn’t matter that we didn’t get to say goodbye. It didn’t matter that we didn’t get to tell them how hard we tried, and that we didn’t give up on them. WE didn’t matter.

So what, you say. What’s the problem? Yeah, exactly. No one can really understand the emotions revolving around this. A year later, and with two other blessings home with me I find myself still battling with it. Yes, I love the sisters I have so much. I can’t imagine life without them. I’m crazy about them, but, there’s still a part of my heart that will never be the same because of my two other beauties. My little sisters who never made it home.

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Last night I could not sleep. It was around 1:00 when I finally nodded off. I dreamed. I dreamed I was holding pne of my little sisters who never came home in my arms. We were going home to America. She drew my family a book. It said “I’m so glad my parents came for me. I love my family.” I held her, and we hugged, and that’s all I remember. The thing is I don’t remember my parents even being there. It was just me, and my little sis, and it was only one of them. Why? I do not know.

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When I woke up, it took me awhile to realize what I had dreamed, and when I did, it broke me. I was angry. I was sad. I was upset. We never came for her. We couldn’t. It was impossible, the agency told us. A closed case. I have not seen, or heard my little sisters’s voices for three years. I never will again.

When I woke, I was filled with this incredible longing to just hold my little sisters, those who never came home to me. It is a longing that can never be filled. It’s basically as if they died, but I get to live with the fact that I don’t know who they are being raised by, I don’t know where they are, I don’t know if they are safe, I don’t know their favorite color anymore, or be the one they call “big sister.”

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Their faces and voices are like broken records in my head. The memories flood me every moment. I physically wince, because it hurts so much.

I’m jealous. I’m jealous of the family who became their foster parents. I’m jealous of the memories that I have to hold, and not get to ever re-live again. I am so grateful for what I have, but I am so broken over what could, and should have been, and longing to hold them one more time, and tell them that I love them.

You never get over something like this, NEVER.

I KNOW God has a purpose in this.

I KNOW my little sisters are where they are supposed to be.

I KNOW God has placed them on my heart for a reason.

I KNOW God know’s best.

I know a lot of things, but it still stings.

I will ALWAYS carry them in my heart, the sisters that were supposed to be.

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We have a new addition to our family!

{ February 22, 2008 @ 9:39 am } · { Family, adoption }
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My parents have done it again. Someone new has moved into my house. We have adopted another child! Unfortunetly, it (I do not know if it is a boy or a girl) is QUITE the troublemaker. Breaking glasses, drawing all over the place, making loud noises, leaving messes wherever it goes. It lets the water run, it leaves crumbs on the floor, it leaves the dishes on the counter, it throws toys all around the girls room, it runs around, just messing up our house.

 What is its name, you may ask?

It’s name is “I don’t know.”

Who broke the tea cup? “I don’t know” did.

Who trashed the girl’s room? “I don’t know” did.

Who left footprints on the floor? “I don’t know” did.

What does it look like?

I don’t know.

Post CHRISTmas ramblings….

{ December 27, 2007 @ 10:23 am } · { Family, adoption, church, life }
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The cellophane has stopped crinkling in the trash can, the wrapping paper is cleaned up, our house is still littered with children’s toys-poor Polly Pocket was stepped on about twenty times, and I alone stepped on her about fifteen of those times. Oh the joys of CHRISTmas.

This year CHRISTmas was SO. RADICALLY. DIFFERENT.

This CHRISTmas there was no dog to open my gifts for me (he used to love to rip the wrapping paper off of them!) but two hands shoving gifts in my direction, urging me to “hurry up” so that it could be their turn soon (We take turns in our family). It was easier for me to get exicted about CHRISTmas. With two seven year olds counting down the days since the last holiday, it was hard to calm down and sleep CHRISTmas Eve.

CHRISTmas eve, I was worried, I admit. “Would K be jealous that R got one more gift because K had a nicer one? Would Mom and Dad like my gift, I mean, what parent really wants a mailbox for CHRISTmas (but we REALLY needed one, as in the other one is falling down)? Would Patty like my earrings?”

 All of a sudden I was like where does this come from? Why am I so anxious? I’ve always had anxiety issues since I can remember, but a lot of them have to do with my own insecurities.

Then I got to thinking…..I’ve gone through an enormous friend swap this past year. Going from High School to College has been really rough regarding relationships. Not being able to go to Youth Group, but not having a college group at my church, going to FRONTLINE but having about 2,000 people attend with me (not a joke, literally 2,000), having my mentor and best friend move….it can get kind of lonely in the I don’t have any other permanant CHRISTIAN fellowship way. Sure, I have my IV friends, five of “the guys” and then my math class Christian friend and my PED 116 Christian friend, but I haven’t heard from any (except one of them, who I saw once) them since the semester ended. I really want people to like me. I want to please them, but most of all I just want to be liked.I’m insecure in that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, so I believe if people like me, then they will give me a place to belong, and I want that place. The sad things is, the feeling has even been transferred to my family. Of course, this is wrong….but…..I still struggle with it.

On another note, I agreed to teach the 5th and 6th grade next week. What was I thinking? I’m not equipped to do this, but when the teacher asked me I had this thought like I’ve always dreamed of making a difference, of teaching the next generation, maybe the chance is coming sooner then I expected. I wish I could just “do my own thing” but I was assigned a lesson. Do you know who I’m studying? Elijah and Elisha. It has been so amazing to read about the miracles these men did in the name of Jesus-they were truely great leaders of the faith who were extremely devoted to HIM. It just occered to me, these men were men just like me-so what’s the difference? Why can’t I do the amazing things like they did? I believe I still can. Maybe the need is not for me to raise a dead boy back to life, but maybe the need is for me to show my kids that the Bible is ANYTHING but boring.  SO I’m excited, I’m pumped, I’m ready….just remind me of that on Sunday morning k?

This CHRISTmas

{ December 25, 2007 @ 3:37 am } · { Family, Music, adoption, church, life }
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CHRISTmas seems so meaningless this year. I don’t know, perhaps it’s because I am aware of the increased commercialism, but I realise that all the hustle and hubbub is definitely not about the King. My heart is not ready for CHRISTmas, it’s not ready for today. Grumblings, tiredness, I need a refocus. This CHRISTmas I’m thinking of so many more things that what is under the tree.

  • This Christmas I’m thinking of my cousin stationed in Afghanistan.
  • This Christmas I’m thinking of my two sisters still in Russia.
  • This Christmas I’m thinking of my Grandma as she celebrates her fourth Christmas without my Grandpa.
  • This Christmas I’m thinking of our homeless men and woman on the streets.
  • This Christmas I’m thinking of the four families that woke up to discover that their nightmare was real, and that there house burned down last night.
  • I’m thinking of my friend who was attacked in October, and thanking God that she was able to fight back.
  • I’m thinking of the kids whose parents are supposed to love them, and who aren’t being shown love.
  • I’m thinking of my peers in hospitals and psychiatric wards for attempted suicide.
  • I’m thinking of Janet’s family.
  • I’m thinking about how:
  • Every 15 SECONDS, another child becomes an AIDS orphan in Africa
  • Every DAY 5,760 more children become orphansEvery YEAR
  • 2,102,400 more children become orphans (in Africa alone)
  • 143,000,000  Orphans in the world today spend an average of 10 years in an orphanage or foster home
  • Approximately 250,000 children are adopted annually, but…
  • Every YEAR 14,050,000 children still grow up as orphans and AGE OUT of the system
  • Every DAY 38,493 children AGE OUT
  • Every 2.2 SECONDS, another orphan child AGES OUT with no family to belong to and no place to call home
  • In Ukraine and Russia 10% -15% of children who age out of an orphanage commit suicide before age 18.
  • 60% of the girls are lured into prostitution.
  • 70% of the boys become hardened criminals.
  • Many of these children accept job offers that ultimately result in their being sold as slaves.
  • Millions of girlsare sex slaves today, simply because they were unfortunate enough to grow up as orphans.

…….all of  a sudden my “problems” don’t seem to be as big as they did a minute ago. I am truly blessed beyond measure this CHRISTmas season. It is awesome to think of the celebration and blessing my little sisters will receive spending their first Christmas, at age 7, here in America, and actually getting gifts, for the first time. It’s hard, because I feel like I haven’t done enough. I should be content, we have saved two girls from the statistics, but at the same time, it hurts knowing that we have not even taken a chip from those numbers. This Christmas will continue on for millions of other children without a gift, or the greatest present a child could wish for: A family.

who lost Jesus?

{ December 18, 2007 @ 2:26 am } · { Family, Music, adoption, church, life }
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What is Christmas about? I’ve been thinking a lot lately, read a few great blogs on it, heard a few sermons on it, but when it comes down to it, I’m finding it’s actually a lot smaller then I’ve been looking for. I think Linus said it all in Charlie Brown’s Christmas. It’s all about Jesus.

What is Christmas about today? It’s supposed to be about Jesus, but the Christmas as we know it here in America, or atleast here in Northern Virginia, is all about materialism. We’ve drifted so far from the idea of Jesus at Christmas that I honestly don’t know if we can go back as a nation. Sure, maybe we worship him on Christmas Eve but honestly, how many of us are thinking about Jesus as we tear into our presents? It’s so much more though, I think we’ve lost Jesus. I think we’ve lost who he was and who he is. Where did our passion go? I’ve been to about a bazillion Christmas Eve services, and all of them are just like yeah, today was the day that Jesus was born, but where did the real passion go? I have yet to see one pastor cry, or even get excited over the birth of Jesus. Oh on Easter it happens, we get excited when Jesus rises again and that is SO COOL….but what about his birth? It’s all about tenderness, it’s all about….what is it about? It’s about the baby Jesus so much, that we forget the man Jesus. We get all wrapped up in singing “Away in the Manger”….no crying he made, we almost idealise the idea of the baby, and forget that this is the man who DIED ON THE CROSS for our sins. To me, baby Jesus and 30ish year old Jesus are completely different people, but they aren’t. Where did the excitement go? Where did the passion go? This isn’t any ordinary baby-this is JESUS….he’s so much bigger then that. I think children, of any of us, really understand it. My little sisters (7) are celebrating their first Christmas with Jesus as the center (probably their first Christmas period). One of the girls, the younger one, has really gotten it. She’s been making cards for Jesus. They say, very simply “Happy birthday Jesus. I love you.” and going around the house singing “Happy birthday Jesus, I love you, Happy birthday Jesus, I love you.”  That’s what it’s about…the excitement that this is someone’s BIRTHDAY (and to them birthday’s are big deals) Sure, she’s excited about the presents under the tree…but she also has the focus that there’s something more. It’s about more then just Jesus on Christmas though, it’s about Jesus and my life.

  I was listening to the sermon from the funeral of the two missionaries shot at YWAM (http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1d7b72dd07106bf78a07 –if you have time), my heart was so moved, and something they said about the girl, Tiffany. As a friend was doing CPR on her she asked “How serious is it?” her friend said “It’s pretty serious” Her last words were “Well, that’s what it’s all about then isn’t it? It’s all about Jesus.”

Not only at Christmas, but is my life all about Jesus? Is the way that I’m living all about Jesus? When I really stop and think about it, no-my life isn’t all about Jesus, a lot of times it’s all about me. Just like American’s here have drifted from the idea of the baby in a manger in my life I’ve drifted from the idea of Jesus, just Jesus to be enough for me.

Our Adoption Journey Part 2

{ December 17, 2007 @ 11:02 am } · { adoption, life }
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Every adoptive parent (and most siblings like me!) dreams of the day they will hold their child in their arms. Little did we know how soon that moment would come, and leave us. My Dad had signed up for an e-mail list through a program called Adoption Adventures, centered in California. A posting had come in on September 2ndabout two girls who were available for adoption through a hosting program in MD that brings children over to the states to see if they would be a good match with a potential family. These girls were six and eight year old biological sisters who had been plaved with a family who had decided that the girls were too much to handle with their boys, similar aged. My Dad called the program director and he gave us the “bad” news that they were not located in Maryland, but in Virginia, less than 10 miles from our house! We arranged to see them on a Friday evening. The host family welcomed us in, and we met Nastya and Katya for the first time.

They were two ADORABLE, beautiful (stunning) talented, energetic, affectionate children. We had four days to spend with them, so we made plans, and left so that they could get to bed. In the car I said to my Dad “Well…….” He said, “Well what?” “Are we going to adopt them?” I’ll always remember his classic response “Why not?” HORRAY….Saturday came and we took the girls to the pool. I had a great time playing with them in the water, and we saw how testy they were towards us. When break time came, they did not come out of the pool, and when I brought them out, they threw a temper tantrum. They tried to go in the office, the boys bathroom, all OVER the place, nonetheless, it was awesome just having fun. We had pizza (they didn’t eat any) cheesy break (they liked it), grapes and veggies. We had a Russian girl translating for us, and taking videos. Nastya, who was quite the talent star at the orphanage (Drama and singing), sang a song about a frog that I will never forget. Sunday we had a huge picnic with all of the families from the Adoption Adventure program from MD. We met at this amazing playground, with all sorts of equipment that kept up entertained for hours. I hung out with Nastya most of the time while my sister swung with Katya. I can’t swing without getting dizzy unfortunately, but I was able to go all around the wooden playground loving on my little sister, playing with her.  The next day I had a parade with circus club in Maryland, and a show in Burke. After the parade we went home and showed Nastya and Katya our house. They had a great time playing with our beautiful dog, Patriot, and he helped break some of the tension. My cousin met us at St. Mary’s to meet his new cousins, and after the show, in the evening we went to a restaurant called “Rain Forrest Café” Watching the robotic gorillas, the fish, and the moving crocodile in the store, ordering a “Volcano” we had a lot of fun that night. It was my older sister, and my Dad’s last chance to see the girls because they both had school, and work the next evening. After saying goodbye we all went home and dropped into bed. The next afternoon my Mom drove us up to Maryland to the Mother of God community where the children were meeting for their last day of camp. Katya ran towards us, and lept into my Mom’s arms. She was all over us all day. She was on my back, and when a woman who was with the group asked who I was she responded “It’s my big sister.” Big sister, I like that. I noticed that Nastya was very subdued for the normally dominant dramatist. I went over to play with her, and talk with her (with what limited Russian I had). She just threw her arms around me and hugged me. She knew she was leaving, and she didn’t want to go. We had dinner together with the kids, and loaded the kids in the vans to drive to the airport. Oh my, what tears, what sad goodbyes. It was absolutely heartbreaking watching these little children being ripped from what everyone thought would be their future family’s arms. When I said goodbye to Nastya, she kissed me and then with Russian accent said “I love you.” I didn’t even know if she knew what that meant, I didn’t even know she knew it in English, but I said that I loved her, and then I let her go. I peaked in on the girls in the van after the all the children were loaded in, so many tears…children blowing kisses to their families, watching them drive away in the distance, not knowing if they’d ever see them again. I went inside the church to the bathroom, and I walked by one of the rooms where the priests had gathered. They were singing a song together, the chorus of which goes “Hallelujah, for the Lord almighty reigns, hallelujah, for the Lord God almighty reigns, Holy, Holy is the Lord God almighty.” What a fitting end to the most amazing days of my life. Days with the girls that were to be my sisters.

Our adoption journey part one

{ December 17, 2007 @ 4:49 am } · { Family, adoption, life }
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Okay, so for the following few days I’ll be posting on our adoption journey. I’ll do it by way of installments because it’s WAY too long to post in one posting, you might as well just write a book. So here it is……the first part

How does one word something as faith shattering as what happened to me? How does one summarize the years of pain, wondering when God will pull through-and then having him chose a different path then you expected. How do you explain feelings that few people have had, grief few have struggled with? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to say, except for “the facts” I’m finding if I keep emotions out of it, it works out better for me. I don’t want to sound over dramatic, but I also don’t want to play it as less of a hardship then it was. Okay, enough rambling. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty here. It’s August three years ago, in 2004. I’m 15 years old, and I have just returned from my first mission’s trip to West Virginia. The day after we come home, we are leaving for our third major vacation of my life (First to Flordia, second to Midwest) to Colorado. I don’t really want to leave my friends, but I’m excited to fly in a plane and see the mountains. Back it up, ever since I was really little I’d wanted my parents to adopt. I told them all about it, wrote essays on it, my first poem was on it. I felt this incredible burden for the orphans, one that kept me awake at night, a passion, just like my passion now, for the fatherless. My parents did NOT share that passion. (It’s okay, you can laugh). You don’t know how many times I was told “We’re too old” “stop asking” “it’ll never happen” “we don’t have the time” “we’re taking care of the widow in distress, you’re Grandma” “forget it.” I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried that passion just burned brighter, and when I did almost give up the Lord brought an incredible family to me, John and Sara Vogt. John and Sara we’re the owners/DJ’s of a radio station that my Dad was on the board of directors for. Smart, FUNNY, passionate, the Vogts are great family friends of ours. Well, God did a work in their life, and when they we’re in their “more mature years” (Let’s just say over 50) God moved in their hearts and they adopted a little girl from china, Johanna. Johanna was beautiful, we met them at the airport. Words couldn’t describe they joy I felt for them. I forever have a picture in my head of the airport, of walking over to John, seeing the joy that he had as he held his forever daughter in his arms. When we walked out of the airport, through the gates and into the air he welcomed his little blessing to America, and my heart  broke, because I realized that I would probably never feel that feeling. They came over shortly after-we met up two or three more times before they moved to Pennsylvania. Each time I laughed more then I ever laughed before, and walked away encouraged, ready to give it one more round, and continue on bugging my parents. Fast forward back to August 2004. Previous in the year we had hosted two children from the Children of Chernobyl program. We had had one child come in the summer of 2000, 2001, 2002 and now we had two in 2004. I had a wonderful time with some of my amazing Belarussian friends, Tanya and Vika. They became my little sisters, and we had such a wonderful time swimming, eating ice cream, playing with chalk, just having good old American fun. They went home, and I went to West Virginia. West Virginia changed my life. I realized how blessed I am, and how indebted I am. Looking back it was the beginning of the process of making my faith my own faith, not the faith of my parents that I had been riding on for so long. I knew all the answers about God in my head, but things we’re starting to click in my heart. We go on vacation, and I get to visit wonderful places like Pikes Peak, Columbine High School (I had just read Rachel’s tears and Rachel Scott was one of my heros!), Focus on the Family (Adventures and Odyssey! Rocks my socks off!), National Parks, all SORTS of places. We did it all. As we were getting ready to go home we visited a Wendy’s,  and there was this sign about adoption (the founder of Wendy’s is pro adoption). I made some comment to my Mom about it and she almost lost it. Little did I know what was going to happen at dinner. We ate at Taco Bell in Castle Rock Colorado. Over a Coke, and a chicken and cheese quesadilla my parents told me that they had prayed about it and felt like the Lord was leading them to adoption. Drop dead. That’s just about what I did. I wanted to die right then and there (well, not literally, but you know what I mean). Years of dreaming, and it was becoming a reality. Little did I know that this reality would be a nightmare, before becoming that dream.

A little dose of honesty….

{ December 16, 2007 @ 12:22 am } · { Family, adoption, church, college, friends, life }
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Over the past year my question has moved from WHO AM I? to WHERE DO I BELONG? I desire to find a place where I am free to be myself. I place where I can let my burdens down, and just be able to chill, laugh, and not care, or have to watch what people think of me. I want freedom. I don’t want to be hurt by people anymore, I just want to exist. I want to run, laugh, belong, and play. Where do I belong?

  • I thought I belonged at home, I’m realising more and more that home is not my home.
  • I thought I belonged at school but with so much darkness and suffering, I realise I don’t belong there.
  • I thought I belonged in the church, but this year I found out the hard way that I don’t.
  • I thought I belonged with my friends but more and more I am asking who really are my friends anymore?

Do you ever feel like in one year your world has been tipped upside-down and shaken all up? This year has been my year. This year I swam for my last year, lost two of my little sisters (post coming on SUNDAY….hopefully), attended AWANA for my last year, went to Youth Group for the last time, graduated from High School, became a big sister and built in babysitter :) , went to small group for the last time, went to college (locally mind you), had my friends either go to college or stay in high school, and sadly most of them no longer talk to me (with the exception of Mary and Ash :) !, had my mentor leave, quit my work of six years, learned how to drive, sooooo many more changes that I don’t have the energy to list. You get the picture though. Things are sooooo different. I am SOOOO different. Too many differences? I don’t know, I don’t think I really know anything.

Leaving all my beloved “stuff” behind and going to newer, less safe, environments wasn’t overly scary to me, it was exciting. I love college, but I miss the fellowship I had in High School. I yearn to belong again, like I did then. To have that accountability, to know that people really cared about me, and wanted to be around me. Now, when I look at those same people, the leaders I had, the friends I had, they don’t even seem to acknowledge my existence. I’m lonely, and it hurts.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. The more I think about it, the more it gets me down. If I don’t belong anywhere, or with anyone what’s the use. Then it hits me like a 2 x 4 over the head, I am so not thankful, and I am so right in thinking that I don’t belong, because I don’t!!!

This isn’t my home. All the pain from the people I thought loved me, they still do, it’s just that the devil is trying to take something that he planned to have happen, and make it look like it’s their fault. Has time changed them? Probably. Has it changed me. Absolutely.

I don’t belong here, but I’m not lost either. I know where I belong. I belong in the arms of my heavenly father. I live for his approval, and HIS only. As far as the hurt from the other people, it’s not as important to me anymore, because I realise in my search for belonging I’ve found the one who I will always belong with.

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