Lessons from Philly

Many of you know how I am serving as a Youth Intern this summer like I did  last summer. One of the peaks of working in Youth Ministry is being able to attend the trips with the Youth. This past week we went to Philadelphia to serve alongside Broad Street Ministry. Broad Street Ministry serves on South Broad Street in Center City, Philadelphia. BSM has a high emphasis on homeless outreach and outreach to those who have been burned by the church. The way they “do church” is radically different from the traditional Southern American church. They reach out to the artistic community around them and draw in crowds of people who typically would not dare to enter a church. I was touched by the ministry of BSM and honored to serve alongside the staff (five summer interns and a directerr). Each day our team (my team leader was the best-yay for Anna Shaw!!!) went to a different project, everything from ripping up hundred year old carpet, cleaning alongside recovering drug and alcohol addicts in a recovery program called New Jerusalem Now, serving at a homeless ministry called St. John’s Hospice and labeling cans of food for the largest food bank in PA, Philabundence, and preparing for Broad Street’s homeless ministry, Breaking Bread. We encountered many injustices and grappled with the underlying issues behind them.

One day I experienced something that changed my world forever and it was found in something as simple as singing “Happy Birthday” to a homeless man. I have never been so happy, and never felt so free as when I was belting out those simple words and watching his face turn from heaviness to delight. I didn’t really think of it at the time, but it was all I really could give. Half of me was going “What the heck are you doing?” and 1/2 of me was going ”You were called to this.” When it was over, the look on his face was amazing. Just to know that I somehow lightened a little bit of his load really encouraged me.

 Sometimes I got overwhelmed to think of all the suffering that I saw in Philly and continue to see now that I am home. How can I make a difference? I’ll be honest, I’ve been tired these past few months. Since school ended I’ve felt myself change and I don’t really like the change that occurred. I feel like I lost a little bit of me, and a bit of my joy. I’ve been too easily burdened with injustices in my own life and sorrows that I have experienced to really feel like myself. Don’t get me wrong, even on my darkest days there is a line where I cannot cross-I am still rejoicing in Christ, but I just was not myself. I feel like I’m getting myself back though this trip. I’m writing poetry again, I’m laughing, and I’m excited (although stressed at times!) for my summer, or what is left of it. I still carry around the faces I met on this trip to Philly. I remember the men and woman who are brave enough to admit they need help at New Jerusalem now and the man who took the time to help share his story and advise me despite his own sorrows. God keeps giving me glimpses of Him-enough to keep going-and going-and going. He doesn’t promise that the path will be easy, painless, enjoyable or not exhausting. He doesn’t promise we won’t spend time in the wilderness, in sorrow, in constant questions and exaustion (infact, He says it will be like that)but He gives us the grace to endure despite our circumstances, and help others along the way. While in Philly I dusted off the old Poetry journal and I’d like to share a poem I wrote with you. I did some edits since Friday, but it’s still basically the same.

“Broken life, Broken dreams,
Neverending silent screams,
Walking by in plenty of need,
Watching you as you bleed.
I’ve ignored the injustice of your case,
Stereotyped your complex race,
Blinded eyes and deafened ears,
Heart is locked with no tears.
Help me, I don’t want to feel.
Help me, the pain is so real.
Why is it that I just want to hide?
Shove it away, due to pride.
Well, today I’m changing my perspective,
Although the time has come and I’ve almost left this,
With my bags I carry all the faces,
inside my heart the many changes.
As we walk towards eternity,
the path I’m on only You can see.
I feel your hand stabilizing my frame,
and I press on, all for the sake of your name.

So here I am again. So many needs,
Craving your attention ’til I’m on my knees.
I can’t think straight and battle inside,
nothing to say, no tears to cry.
I can feel you stirring
with brokeness to bring
humbling, breaking me down,
I refuse to make a sound.
the sting of abandonment,
the last letter you sent.
the sorrow of loss,
over backwards I’ve bent.
I am myworst enemy
I admit I’m lost and I can’t see,
so what the heck are you doing
and why am I not moving?
when I feel you nudge,
holding this grudge…
bring me back to life
remove this knife
suddenly I am knocked to my knees
by the incredible grace you bring
weeping beside my enemy
now I’ve got eternity to see
whom I now call me.

when the music fades….

“When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come. Longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart. I’ll bring you more then a song, for a song in itself is not what you have required. You search much deeper within through the way things appear, your looking into my heart. I’m coming back to the heart of worship and it’s all about you, it’s all about you Jesus, I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about you, it’s all about you Jesus.”

 

I personally can’t stand songs that get overplayed on the radio. When this song was released a few years back, it drove me nuts because of the sheer amount of times that I heard it in one day. After awhile I guess it got replaced by other worship songs on the radio station that I listen to, so it is not played as often. The other day when I heard it I got to thinking about the lyrics, especially the part that says: ”all is stripped away and I simply come, longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart.” I got to thinking about how true this is for my life. When God strips away my friends and my family I have this sudden urge to deepen my connection with Him and to be closer to Him. I have the urge to be loved and known by the Savior of the Universe in a way that most people do not understand. My question is why does it take everything being ripped from me to refocus and to come back to desperate state to glorify Christ in my actions and with my life?  How is it that I get so distracted by the blessings that GOD has given me that I forget the giver of the gifts? Thank you Father for reminding me of Your presence in my life through taking away people precious to me in order to put my focus back to where it should be. Help me to remember you instead of blaming you in my pain. Thank you for being sovereign Lord.

Ending darkness

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. It’s a good thing! I’m sorry for my absence on this old blog! So what have I been thinking? Well, recently I stumbled on this verse and it says a lot of what I’ve been thinking about.

Isaiah 60:19-20-The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun will NEVER set again, and your moon will wane no more, for he Lord will be your everlasting light and your days of sorrow WILL END.

See,in case you haven’t noticed- the sun sets every day!!!! As day fades to night the light is covered by darkness as the sun sets into the sky and the moon makes its entrance. The thing with the sun and the moon is that they change. They shift. They aren’t as dependable as we want to make them to be. Not so when we place our hope and trust in our Lord Jesus. There is no time where He is not strong enough to shine through the darkest of nights. When I began living for the Lord I noticed this change. Today I am discouraged, but it is never without hope. I know that my sorrows will end and that the Lord has forever been my light and will continue to be. No matter what you’re going through remember that your days of sorrow will end and your Father stands in the darkness with you as your light-eternal and neverchanging.

grace…grace…God’s grace….

Lately I’ve been struggling to wrap my mind around the whole idea of grace and justice. I’ve been presented with many situations where I have found myself both needing grace and needing to give the same kind of grace that I’ve been given to the people that I love. The very idea that Christ when dying on the cross saw me and said that the price He was going to pay was worth it if he could just share life with me…..it amazes me. The very concept that is the basis of my faith as a Christian is something that I struggle to grasp. Nothing that I can do can change how He loves me. There’s a quote that I have on one of my collages that says:

“Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us more-no amount of spiritual calisthenics and renunciations, no amount of knowledge gained from the seminaries and divinity schools, no amount of crusading on behalf of righteous causes.

And Grace means that there is nothing God can do to make God love us less-no amount of racism or pride or pornography or adultery or even murder. “

The fact of the matter is sin is sin. If you’re living in sin, then you are not living according to the commands of God. It’s as straightforward as that. Jesus did not say that you can’t judge a book by its cover, infact He said “you will know them (His followers) by their fruit.” The truth of the matter is that while we are here on earth our flesh and spirit will always be at war with eachother and sometimes our flesh wins. I relate so much with the words of Paul when He says in Romans 7:

 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

I feel like so many “Christians” are living a life filled with the things our Savior hates. We are hypocrites. We condemn the very sin we live in. It’s time for a change. Yes, there is grace, but there is also justice. Many of us wonder why we feel so distant from God. Many of us question where God is in the face of suffering and hardship without questioning that perhaps God is bringing in sorrow to bring us back to His grace. God will do whatever it takes to bring a child back to himself and if that means ripping away everything from you He will, take it from someone who learned that the hard way.

We all know that in order to get grace bestowed on us we don’t have to do anything special but grace does call us to turn aside from the sin that we are living in. For example, suppose I was married and I found out my husband had cheated on me. As devastated as I would be, I would forgive him. I, in my humanness would be ridiculously hurt and would probably need some time to heal but I know that Christ has forgiven me so I could not just refuse forgive him. Now what if my husband went on to cheat every night, and come home and say “sorry” and expect me to forgive him-well, how would you feel if your spouse did that to you? So how does the heart of God feel when we constantly give Him this “wishy washy” faith; a faith lacking commitment and devotion?  His grace never has an end-it’s true and He’s always giving it to His children but we are called to live as “new creations.” A new creation doesn’t continue on living in the filth that they once lived in. I’m learning this. I don’t know about you but there’s a few sins and fears (essentially my distrust in Him) that have got to go.

It’s my prayer that you will experience the grace and justice of our Lord Jesus Christ in a new and fresh way today and through this next week.

Questions

My English 241 class (Survey of American Literature) class has been studying Puritan literature over the past few months. A few things have really been hitting me about the Puritan religion. One thing that surprised me was that the Puritans basically believed that it was a sign that you were not saved if you questioned God when he brought you through the wilderness. I got to thinking of how blessed I am to know that I can question God and He will not remove His love from me. To be honest, I find honesty hard. People will ask me “how are you?” and with out even thinking my response is “good!, how are you?” Most of the time I am good when it all boils down to how blessed I am, but when there is things that bother me and frustrate me I know I am not “good” and yet I say I’m good anyway. I don’t know about you  but I grew up trying to pretend that I had no feelings. No anger, no sadness-I wanted to be tough and unmovable. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” How many times have you said that, and how many times did words cut deep into you? Have you ever gone through things where you did not understand what God was doing? Have you ever had to bury a child, or been affected by murder, or adultery, or a friend’s brokenness which was too deep for cure? Have you walked darkened paths afraid for your life or thought about ending your life by your own hands? Have you ever fought with a friend and felt rejected? Have you ever broken up with someone you love? Have you ever had something incredibly unjust happen to you? Has your earthly family ever betrayed you? The list goes on about the things that could have happened to you, so during that darkness-Have you ever questioned God and been honest with Him? Take a look at the Psalms. They are full with honesty and questions. How about Psalm 13:4-6:

 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide  your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;  my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.   But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

See when we question God often times our perspective changes. We are focused back onto the fact that God really is good. Yes, we many not understand why things happen the way that they do but that is no reason to throw in the towel. We were born for this struggle and heartache. It’s okay to question-we have the freedom to do so. Doubt is a sin, questioning is not. Just because you question doesn’t mean you doubt. So go ahead, be honest with God and see how He changes your perspective. You are never alone. Stop trying to be so tough and let Him be God through your questioning.

It’s been awhile since I dusted off the old blog, I know. I’m sorry. God has been doing some crazy stuff in my life. I’m finishing up my associates degree, and moving along to my bachlor’s degree next fall which will require transferring colleges, and moving. I’m incredibly excited about what God is going to do, and what he is doing in my life now. So, what is He doing lately?

The Puritans believed that in order to reach heaven you had to pass through a “wilderness” or a period of testing given by God. I’ll admit, lately I’ve felt as though I went through a sort of wilderness in my life. This wilderness is nothing compared to the “winter of loss” as I call it, but it’s been a long year. Through it all, all of the testing, and all of the taking away, part of me just cries out to be heard by the Savior of the Universe. The other part of me tries to be stubbornly strong saying that I don’t need him, but I know I can’t even breathe without Him. In all reality where I am finding myself now is best. What a perfect place to be when you’re being completely broken before the savior of the universe. It’s also incredibly uncomfortable to be broken by the hand of God so our flesh naturally fights against it. I prayed for Him to break the idols in my life and He is responding by smashing them down. It’s beautiful, but it hurts. When you hold things before God that are substitutes for His glory and His love, how can he stand by and let you ruin your life? If you DON’T feel him ripping your idols away, you should be concerned. I knowthat I am His because of the way that He is disciplining me for my unfaithfulness. In contrast to my unfaithful actions, His faithfulness is showing up in ways I have never experienced before through this. I don’t regret anything over this past year because I feel as though I have grown more then I have in years past, but let me tell you nothing is worth the amount of pleasure it brings unless it’s actions point directly to the cross of Christ. So many times I’ve pursued things that I thought were right only to realize that I was moving only on my feelings. I am reminded that this Christian life is not about “feelings.” Just because I may not “feel” God doesn’t not mean He is not there, oh no, it means He is all the more closer, I just have to shut up enough to listen to Him. Just because this doesn’t “feel” good does not mean that God is not using this for His glory. I expect this. I expect pain and suffering, I am not perfect and there’s times that I grow frustrated, but that’s growth isn’t it? Do you know how muscles are strengthened? In order to make muscles larger they develop small tears that end up swelling (or so I was just told). Feeling sore isn’t always comfortable, but you know that you are developing something that will benefit you in the long run (no pun intended!).

I look forward to getting back into the swing of sharing life with you, my wordpress blog friends (and my facebook feed stalkers). To God be the glory.

Walk away….

One of the hardest things for me is to watch someone I love walk away from the Lord I love. Recently (just in the past month) I’ve felt the sting of this more then I ever have in my whole life combined. As I continue to grow closer and closer to Christ I realize the difference between me and my friends who have fallen away from His grace. I don’t mean to be hypocritical because I struggle intensely to live in this world but be living in Christ’s commands, but when you’re living to the Lord you know when someone is not following with Him like they should and it hurts to watch. I think I understand the compassion of Christ more now. Once I prayed “break my heart oh God for the things that break yours” and my heart, oh does it break for the broken. There are times where I struggle so much between knowing how much I should try and intervene and how much I should just “let God be God” and let go. Tonight, I wrote this poem. Perhaps you are struggling, consider what I have to say. Perhaps you are a fellow friend who is watching someone walk away from their salvation-keep praying. And lastly, if you are one of my friends who are walking away know that I will always be here for you.

Watching you walk away,

Alas, another day.
I’m robbed of words to say,
my thoughts begin to stray.
So…what changed?
Why’d it have to rearrange?

Words we never exchanged,
everything is deranged.

 

Watching you suffer,
 is not making me tougher,
It’s only getting rougher,
vulnerable with no buffer.
I can’t believe I fell for the lie,
I refuse to allow myself to cry,
because inside I’ll nearly die,
From forever asking myself why.

 

The hardest thing in life is watching you go,
knowing all about you and knowing that you know,

that this path will destroy you, but away you throw,
your life, your love, your faith-can’t you hear the rooster crow?
Watching you hurts because I once walked that same stupid path,
I stood where you stood, and because of it I felt His wrath.
Like Job came to the point where I blessed the hands that slay,
and as you can see, due to grace, I lived to see a new and better day.

I always ask myself-how can I tell you how to live your life,
when I struggle so much and my heart is full of strife?

I’m not perfect, you know it far too well,
I am reminded of the each and every time I fell.
I just want you to learn through me,
That there’s more to life then there seems.

See, I don’t think you even know my Savior,
to You He’s still only a stranger,
You may know all the words in your head,
but they are just words that you read.
You may not understand it now,
but I pray it’ll be made clear somehow.
it might have to take the same method that it did for me,

Watching everything and everyone you love flee.

Just know-when He rips all from you I’ll be there,
I will never give up and I will forever care.

 

Wonder if you may, wonder if you must,

But you’ll eventually find that His strength is enough.
So as I watch you walk away,
I remember that he gives strength for the day.
And He’s at work in you,

And He’ll see it through.

 

beautiful with time

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
C. S. Lewis

 

So where have I been these past few weeks? Experiencing. Experiencing things that challenge me and shake my perspective on life. I feel like I’ve aged more in the past few months of this year then I have in a few years of childhood. “Normal” 20 year olds don’t go through some of the stuff I’ve had to, but since when have I been “normal?” God’s hand has been all over everything I’ve been experiencing. I’ve stood amazed after time and time again he pours out his grace on the situations I find myself in. My new life verse has become Ecclesiastes 3:11.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Sometimes I just don’t understand how certain people can act the way that they do. Recently I’ve realized it’s because they have no eternity in their hearts. They don’t understand what it means to be living according to the commandments of God or to be given the gift of holding “eternity in their hearts.”  There are somedays when I can feel so close to death, it’s weird (stay with me, and don’t worry about it…it’s a good kind of thing to feel when you belong to Christ). It doesn’t scare me in the least bit, but it’s like I am so aware of the fact that I could be gone in a second, but gone to somewhere where time never ends. It humbles me and keeps me grounded.

When situations don’t turn out how I expect them to lately I’ve been reminded that I can’t even begin to understand what God is up too. My view is far too small to wrap my mind around what He is doing. I know God, and He is good. I know He has never failed me before, so why is it so hard for me to trust Him sometimes? “Let go.” That’s all I can do, and when I do I am reminded, he is making it all beautiful.

Desperation

Desperate. Nothing else will satisfy but the presence of God. I realize my filth, and inadequacy. I can do nothing apart from Him. I cannot breathe, or move but by His hands that sustain and hold me. Nothing else can compare to His presence. Nothing else can satisfy any of my needs. Emptiness abounds outside of His presence. Pride creates the barrier that prevents me from seeing my Lord. When I lose sight of Him I realize that I have sinned. He rips down the barrier, he tears through the dividing curtain and into the depths of my heart. Like a potter returning to old clay he molds and transforms me once again. I have allowed selfishness to come in my way and wanted to be my own maker but how can something that is broken make something whole? I am broken. I am so unworthy. I am so marked and filthy. I am a sinner and I know it full well. Countless times I’ve broken His heart and walked away from Him.  It’s His presence I see in my life, making worship leaders weep, making Pastors stand up and proclaim their brokenness. Making those who have suffered miscarriages and murders of the Innocent declaire His holiness in the midst of loss. Broken hearts and dreams combined in broken lives stand again, agknowledging His faithfulness. True worship never finds an end. Despite our situations it perseveres proclaiming truth and life to the nations. That’s how we know our faith is ours and how we know we are His. His presence in our lives making all things new-making us new, making me new. He’s taken this unbreakable being and made her unable to stop weeping because of His grace. “Oh Lord, I do not boast any longer in my strength, but I boast in You, and in my weakness.” I have done nothing deserving His grace but He has saved me. When we realize the depth of our sorrow and sin it’s then we realize the breadth of His hope and life. It is in Christ alone that purpose and meaning can be found. It is in His life and death, and my death-that I’ve finally found life. It’s moments like these where I realize I’m living and I only have one chance at life…..It’s moments like these where I lose everything at the foot of the cross and find satisfaction, peace, hope, and life. You say God is not real? I know He is….days like today remind me of it.